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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovolskahyah with Social Studies for KCRW.
I came back from Iraq last week to find my financial records in complete disarray, that's what happens when you have Conrad Black doing your accounting as favor, now I have $200,00 unaccounted for and only Tony Blair scheduled for this weekend.
Which is going to be awkward because last time we had falling out. I couldn't take it anymore, I told him Tony, enough with this GOD SAVE THE QUEEN position, it hurts my elbows.
He took me to Harry Potter movie last week. I didn't tell him that Isaiah already took me the week before, you know my clients like to think they are special. I have to tell you it was much more fun seeing it with Isaiah at Magic Johnson Theatre, I couldn't hear a word of the movie because everybody was yelling at the screen all the time, it was fantastic. Like big party. Much more interesting than watching this Radcliffe actor on screen, he used to be cute, now he looks like Elijah Wood only with smaller face and lemon up his butt. Small lips, tiny nose, almost like his face forgot it was supposed to have features.
At least with Elijah, you look at his eyes you think wow this guy is alert, less lemon up the butt more sycamore tree.
But you know I have to admit, at least these British celebrities they can act on stage. They did not get up in Montana one morning and say, "Enough milking the cow I am going to Hollywood to be celebrity!"
And to see these celebrities on stage it's just awkward, frozen stick figures with pretty heads. "Hello, I'm Julia Roberts, please put me on stage and move everybody to front row so they can absorb my charisma. Oh, and please give me megaphone otherwise second row will not hear me."
Of course this casting is only possible because the audiences from all over the country they don't care about quality, they are just happy to see celebrity. Oh, King Lear in the Park starring Owen Wilson?! Wow! And who is playing Cordelia? Britney Spears of course. Are you coming? Oh no, I have tickets to see Faust with Matthew McConaughey.
I love Mattie though, I have to tell you, he is so much fun, he is like walking southern sunshine this guy. When I have sex with him I always feel like I am eating fresh fruit by the Mississippi river or something.
I am actually going to be seeing a lot of theatre in the next month I leave for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to support another client Iris Bahr in her one woman show DAI about a suicide bombing in Tel Aviv, another festive comedy. Lucky for me I already saw it in New York and it was fantastic, because there is nothing worse than supporting clients and having to see crap and lie to them afterwards. They say they want honest opinion but they don't want honest opinion about the weather let alone their own work. I used to use all the fakey answers when they ask me, "Oh Svetlana, did you like the show?" I would say, "Well, Julia, you were good. Or "I'm so proud of you." Or "I'm speechless."
But now I don't lie anymore, when its crap I tell them its crap. Last week after I saw Die Hard, I said to Brucie, you looked so exhausted all the time, even your bald head was too tired to deflect light. And the story was so boring. Watching your ex wife with her frat-boy husband lighting Shabbat candles at the Kabbalah center on Valentine's Day, that is more interesting.
You know but at least Brucie is not doing period pieces, that is the worst. There are some actors that do not fit in any other century. Like Scarlett Johansson, nobody was that raspy and dead-pan before 1985, it doesn't fly. Just because she has breasts does not mean they should be put in corset.
And the Jewish actors that is the most awkward to watch. Like in Marie Antoinette, every time I saw this nebishhy Schwartzman guy on screen I thought what is he doing there, he should be playing stickball on the streets of Bensonhurst.
(A BUZZING SOUND)
Ach, what is buzzing here, oh, it's this stupid iPhone Murdoch gave me last week. I told him Rupie, I do not have to see photos in seven different sizes and move them with my finger, life is too short for this nonsense. Until it doubles as pocket rocket I have no use for it. But I didn't want to offend him, he promised that once take over is complete he will give St. Petersburg House of Discreet Pleasure full page color ad in Wall Street Journal.
Speaking of Rupie, I have to go, there is a blueberry mojito waiting for me at the Mondrian with an entire group of Citibank employees from Bangalore.
This is Svetlana Maksimovolskahyah with Social Studies for KCRW. Namaste.