Sophisticated Gift Objects
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On your doorstep tomorrow morning you will find the Urban Man's Signature Holiday Catalog for 2006. As always, it will be a spritely round-up of the season's most sophisticated gift objects--you know, things to give when you really, really care.
Once again, I assure you products clad in pewter or sewn with silk. Once again, I guarantee long, exquisite product descriptions promising unlimited joy. Use my catalog, and you will prove yourself not just an eager spouse or lover, parent or offspring, but a belted master of the gifting art, a connoisseur of the giddy moment, an embodiment of subtle generosity during that seven seconds of delight as the box is opened and disappointment conquered like winter itself.
Later, when hot cider flows amidst the glad litter of silver paper and complimentary silver cord, you will sit back content that you have spent sufficient funds and proved sufficient love.
For her, I plan to recommend a purse with many golden buckles and oversized designer logos. The body will be thick with Andalusian leather and stitched with chewed rawhide from the steppes of Northwest China. You'll find the design relaxed yet elegant, informal yet refined, British yet... French. It will display affection with attitude--or if you order it in red, attitude with affection.
I guarantee this purse will weigh no less than 12 pounds, empty. And when she sees it, she will renew your relationship for another 10 months, minimum.
For him, I suggest a watch with many tiny dials, each impossible to read. It features six movable rings and a quartz enclosure waterproof to ten thousand meters... just in case. It displays the phases of Saturn's eight major moons and flashes continuous sports scores. The compass points are diamond-tipped, but overall, the design suggests 14th century Mongolia with Eddie Bauer overtones.
I would consider this gift even if he, you know, already owns a watch. I mean, he'll see you recognize the masculine within him, or at least, that refined, modern masculinity he so treasures. When you catch his eye across a holiday celebration, you can expect a deep and manly nod of approval.
Next, surprise your mother with the season's most impressive Latte Barrista Express. I guarantee a full three feet of copper and travertine, eight controls, shortwave radio, and individually-carved, serpentine alabaster handles lit with neon. It suggests an authentic Tuscan café from the late 18th century--only updated to modern technology, crafted of aircraft-grade aluminum, and rated to 30,000 feet.
Your mother will shake her head, laugh with pleasure, and even though she will never use it, she will point it out proudly to friends and relations for decades to come.
Kids will love the fully-articulated biomorphic triceratops with advanced sensors, infrared vision, sixteen distinct moods, and... spikes. It will provide education and spark imagination with its hand-eye movements. And if you recharge it every night it will provide six or seven minutes of uninterrupted amazement.
Along with enhancing their intellectual capacity, I guarantee your children will become warm and appreciative of all you have given them through a lifetime of hard work.
I see that this year, Graf Von Faber-Castell offers a pen made of naturally-fallen ashwood from Walden Pond. It's etched with a quotation from Henry David Thoreau about living simply, and costs... $600.
But I can get you sandals resembling those worn by the Dalai Lama for half that price, along with earrings resembling those worn by Justin Timberlake, biceps resembling those of Arnold Schwarzenegger, wisdom resembling that of the ages--only cut from onyx, highlighted in rosewood, and presented in a special gift box.
Terms are reasonable. Holiday Delivery guaranteed. Check your doorstep tomorrow morning... or better yet, shop online.
Copyright © 2006 Marc Porter Zasada. All Rights Reserved.
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