2009: Not as Bad as You Think
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Once again, it’s time to announce my highly-anticipated predictions for the coming year. Once again, the Urban Man has been chatting up leading psychics and diligently caucusing with unnamed sources.
Let me assure you that although none of last year’s predictions actually came true, I did foresee startling events. I may have not have forecast the financial meltdown or the election of a tall dark stranger, but I did say really important things would occur. I captured the overall tone of extravagant occurrence.
So here’s the good news: 2009 will not suck nearly so much as you have been thinking…not nearly so much at all.
For example, you may lose your house, your spouse, and your livelihood—but not your cat, Fuzzball. Fuzzball will stick by you.
Fox may not option your series, but at the final meeting, you will achieve a moral victory and leave the building with your head held high.
Your unemployment benefits may run out, but you’ll have time to learn the clarinet.
Your mother may marry that guy with the goatee, but he will not, as you feared, begin to call you “dear.”
You will not become famous, but you will be noted. You may not become wise, but you’ll manage to stop blogging. In the same vein, Mike Meyers will decide not to make Love Guru 2.
You see, not so bad, not so bad at all.
Here in Southern California, the metropolis may grow more vast, more congested, and more unmanageable, but L.A.’s Mayor will retain his boyish charm and Joachim Splichal will open a new restaurant.
The school district may become yet more fractious and mired in mediocrity, but your kids will skip more classes and…learn to fish.
The technology industry will lose money, but it will launch a new digital device which will be amazingly small and startlingly well-designed.
The war will continue, but move further toward the back of the news.
Our new president will fulfill three in ten of his campaign promises.
But none of that is the really good news.
Your own fortunes will begin to turn around May 7, 2009, when your bank calls to ask if you can lend them 50 bucks till next Tuesday…and you suddenly find yourself in the financial services industry.
Your friends may not then trust you with $50 billion, but on May 8, you’ll pass Bernie Madoff on the street as he’s being led away in manacles. “Hey Bernie,” you’ll shout, “How’s the weather in the Hamptons?”
It’s such unexpected moments, more than any mere “good fortune,” that make life sweet. In fact, as usual, you will be completely unaware of the best things happening to you.
For example, as we speak, deep beneath the earth, tectonic plates are creaking toward an 8.1 event on March 10. But lo, March 9, a vast subterranean rift will realign, and when the quake actually arrives it will register as a mere 3.7. People will call in, laugh, and say, “yeah it woke me up.”
And okay yes, as we speak, a container on a ship registered in Indonesia and bound for the Port of Los Angeles carries a terrifying bomb — but on Jan. 2, the fuse will misfire, the container will fall into the sea, and it won’t even make the news…which will continue to focus on post-holiday sales.
In fact, overall, there’s little reason to worry. The world’s oil will not all be controlled by people who hate us. Some of that $700 billion will not end up in private trust funds. Much of the sea will not be overfished. Plenty of food will not contain melamine. Global warming won’t hit us for years.
Just stay positive. Don’t worry. The Urban Man’s sources assure him that someone knows what to do — and 2009 won’t be nearly so bad as you’ve been led to believe.
Copyright (c) 2008 Marc Porter Zasada. All rights reserved.
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