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I understand your pain. I know that again this holiday season you're looking for a gift that communicates something highly specific to your significant other — but it's proving a frustration.
If you spring for that diamond bracelet, will she comprehend that you've been swept off your feet? Or will she think you're trying to purchase her affections?
If you instead get that funky ethnic bracelet, will she understand that you find her compellingly exotic and that you yourself are socially responsible? Or will she just think you cheap?
All in all, how likely is it that he or she will draw all the wrong conclusions? Very likely. Gift-giving is often a clumsy way of delivering a message. Worse than smoke signals or tweets.
You need expert advice. So again this year, I'm happy to announce the Urban Man Signature Catalog, now available at www.youprobablyhavenoideawhatyou'redoing.com. The prices are high, but each item comes with a clear description of the exact message it will convey. I think you're willing to pay a little more to get it just right.
Say you buy her our $300 Chanel-style scarf printed with fox hunting scenes. You wonder: Will she think you classy? Or will she think you think she has an ugly neck? My catalog clearly explains how this scarf communicates your interest in a serious commitment. How you trust that 30 years hence, she will grow into a sophisticated society matron, adept at handling complex charity functions. Indeed, you find a stringy neck no impediment to her long-term viability.
Wrong message? Click on the pink tab entitled "Sweet/No Commitment." Here you'll find an $80 bird feeder that looks like a gingerbread house. This gift states clearly that while you find her girlishly alluring, you are presently seeking no emotional attachment.
If she's confused, she can check the website herself.
Gals, let me direct you to the tab headed, "Even He Might Comprehend This." Here you will find gifts which prove you actually believe in one or more of his illusory self-images. Take the gleaming buck knife with a faux eagle feather dangling from its genuine leather handle. Buy him this gift and you're saying, "Yes, even though most days you review digital licensing agreements on the lower floor of a Century City high rise, then come home after nine to fall asleep watching the Sci Fi channel — I do remember that you went camping in Yosemite for three whole nights last July, and I am totally and completely convinced that you are a buff outdoorsman who could at any moment provide for me in the wilderness." A bargain at 150 bucks.
Lower on the page you'll find calfskin driving gloves not unlike those used by Sean Connery while driving an Aston Martin. For 180 bucks, these say, "Even though you will never once actually use these, I love that you are emotionally detached. I adore the way you create disasters and drive off nonplussed. I'm sure you're important enough to have enemies. I know you could have any number of women around the world if you weren't sacrificing yourself for me. And yes, I completely and totally believe that even though you have temporarily let yourself go to hell, you could look like 007 any time you wanted simply by spending a couple hours at the gym."
Again, if he's too dim to catch all that, tell him to Google the damn catalog number.
Okay, I'm sure we have a few die-hards out there unwilling to spend what it takes to send just the right message. I'm sure some of you are thinking: "Isn't there an inexpensive way to communicate, say, "love and joy"? "Could I send a card or purchase a waffle-maker?" The answer is, of course, "no." Try to remember that you have no idea what you're doing. Go to my website and choose the tab marked, "Love & Joy." Prices run $350 and up, but the message is guaranteed.
Copyright © 2009 Marc Porter Zasada. All Rights Reserved.
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