It's Going to Be Okay
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It's January 4, high time to offer my predictions for the coming year. As always, my methods are beyond reproach. You can be confident that I have consulted a selection of fairly important psychics and made several calls to second-year grad students at leading universities.
None of my predictions for '09 actually came true, but I assure you, I never lost heart.
Despite what you may have heard, I predict that 2010 will be pretty much okay. Really. I know that runs counter to pundits, to expectations, to terrible rumors and general cachet — but no kidding, the market may go up and down, Brad and Angelina may have their woes, but I predict our democracy will remain relatively stable; our cities will remain relatively calm; our enemies, though real, will remain relatively weak and disorganized.
No kidding: In 2010, many babies will be born and many marriages will last.
In fact, despite what it says on that website you read late every night, a full 90 percent of expected disasters will not actually occur, and those that do will not bring down western civilization, general civilization, or life as we know it. Not this year anyway: No tyranny of the right or the left. No shredding of the Constitution. No 1000 percent inflation. No currency switch to the Chinese Yuan. The U.S. will not morph into a communist dictatorship, a failed state, or a third-world nation. The Mississippi will continue to run south, and America will, despite what you may have heard, remain American.
In fact, over the next 12 months, I assure you that many people will purchase many clever electronic devices. Hollywood will make at least four good films. Oprah will gain no more than 15 pounds. And Michael Jackson will remain both dead and sainted.
All of which should help you sleep at night.
Of course, here in California the budget will bust, but I predict that the schools won't actually close, the streetlights won't actually dim, the parks won't actually be sold for mixed-use development. L.A. will have another water crisis, a gang crisis, a union crisis, and an industry shift. But the lounge on top of the Bonaventure will continue rotating, and one year from now, someone will still be selling those little statues of Elvis on Hollywood Boulevard.
In fact, come November, I assure you that our governor will be replaced by a better actor, and the fascination with vampires will fade, to be replaced by elves. I expect a full three years of elves before the unicorns kick in. Elves will appear in fantasies both dark and dangerous, but none will really and truly occur.
Okay, the earth will continue to warm, but we won't actually lose a major coastline before the world ends in 2012. Meanwhile, much joy will be had by many people, not all of them famous. Much money will be made, not all of it worthless.
As for you, well, the media will continue to hound leading celebrities, but chances are you will convince the blogger next door not to post those pictures.
You may lose your house, but the odds are that you, personally, will not end up living in a cardboard box.
Come summer, I predict you will abandon fear altogether and slowly begin appreciating what you have. In fact, on Thursday, August 12, I predict you will awake early with a desire to see the sunrise. You will climb onto the roof of your apartment building or single family dwelling or Bel Air mansion and watch the morning occur, pink and inevitable. Then you will return to the warmth of your bedroom, throw open the curtains, and in the growing light, see your wife or husband or lover as suddenly and truly once more beautiful, and you will fall in love all over again.
Trust me. Don't worry. It's guaranteed. I've consulted with the experts. I've done the math, and 2010 is going to be okay.
Copyright © 2010 Marc Porter Zasada
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