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excerpt from 'Selected Tweets'

Selected Tweets


By Mira Gonzalez, Tao Lin

Hobart Publishing

Copyright © 2015 Mira Gonzalez
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-9896950-2-2


CHAPTER 1

@miragonz

2010

February

I'm already confused as to what I'm supposed to twitter about. My life isn't interesting.

I'm high on cough syrup alone in my room. Hiding from the guests in my house.

I can't read.


March

Saw a guy sucking his own dick on Chat Roulette.


May

I wanna tweet something I'm gonna regret in the morning.

I've created a mess. There is paint everywhere, cupcakes are in the oven and I'm teaching myself chinese embroidery.


July

God grant me the serenity to not fuck the things I cannot stand, courage to fuck the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.


September

I am here to put my hands around society's dick.


October

Generously applying chapstick to my nostrils.


November

Rick James admitted to spending $7,000 a week on crack for five years of his life. That's $1,820,000.


December

Return of the loudly grunting guy in my math class. Featuring: the seat next to me instead of the seat behind me.


2011

January

Ohbmy god thudhvd HEYY

WHATS GOING ON &8364;¥¥£&8364;**^>%^*¥&8364;&8364;%+£!&8364;<>|~*}}^|&8364;|£~&8364;\£\*

Just arrived home with no shoes on. I already don't remember how.

My cat has a Napoleon complex.

In hell, will we still need smart phones?


February

Not only did I just go to In-N-Out Burger alone on a Wednesday, but the lady at the drive through took one look at me and said "Honey, it's gonna be okay."

I'm watching 127 Hours with my mom and she just asked if we can fast forward past the part where James Franco's arm is stuck.

SICK! RT @OMGFactsSex: One of the oldest cock rings dates back to the 13th century; it was made from the eyelashes of slain goats.


March

The girl I babysit is telling me about her friend Emma who is 55, has blue hair and owns a dragon farm. She has one tentacle and one real arm.

This car drives like the baby I aborted.


April

I kind of don't understand the difference between a nipple and an areola. Like, how do we define where the nipple ends and the areola starts?

Same. RT @OMGFactsSex Emperor Justinian's wife Theodora was turned on by men being castrated, and would masturbate while watching it happen

At least my cat loves me unconditionally.

Correction: my cat's love is directly proportional to how much I feed her.

Update: at least my mom loves me unconditionally.


May

My brother is fitting himself into a suitcase for a Mercedes commercial audition. They just asked me why I can't fit into a suit case ...

Sometimes I imagine my liver as a short stocky man wearing a jumpsuit and a helmet. He kinda just sits there like "Yeah, bring it on."

You know what is something I'm pretty sure about? The monkey in The Hangover and the monkey in Pirates of the Carribean are the same monkey


June

I just saw a perfectly proportioned midget on Wilshire and almost had a car accident trying to figure out if he was a child or a tiny adult.

Sometimes my pee is pink.

What the fuck, Bambi is a boy?

My brother is performing at Justin Bieber's birthday party tonight ...

"Who is Justin Bieber? Is he famous?" -my brother

I think I'm hungover from my hangover this morning. It's a hangover, hangover. #inception

Well EXCUSE ME for having enormous flaws that I don't work on.


July

I really don't like when responsibilities get in the way of my plans to do nothing.

Living my life on the border between single mother and irresponsible 10 year old.


August

Just bought a lettuce and mustard sandwich from Subway. Eat fresh.

Things the 4 year old I babysit asked me today: "How long is a second? What comes after infinity? Is my mom the oldest person in the world?"

"Are you married yet? Why are you older than me? Will we ever be the same age? If I'm as tall as you, does that mean I'm as old as you?"

"Do you like the band Phish? My daddy likes that band. Do all grown ups like that band? When will I be a grown up? Tomorrow?"

Panic has turned into a vague (but increasing) sense of impending doom upon realizing we have "hemp milk" in the fridge.


September

Is "This is Why I'm Hot" a different song than "My Humps"?

Lol my lab partner just burned herself with hydrochloric acid.

Does it take longer for a really fat person to starve to death?

A guy holding a 10 beer long wizard staff is telling me about the hallucinogenic properties of cayenne pepper.

Wicker Man would have been a better movie if Nicolas Cage played every role.

If there was a class called "Getting High Off the Recommended Dose of Over the Counter Allergy Medicine on a Weeknight" I'd get an A+

My whole biology lab today revolved around slowly killing mealworms in a tub of ice water.

What if whales were land mammals and people could breed them on huge whale farms?

What if the whales had utters and you could milk them like a cow? What if whale milk became more popular than cow milk?

What if the whales could also fly and you could use them as a form of public transportation?


October

I feel depressed and confused about Beyonce's role in Destiny's Child.

Bill Gates is probably popping champagne in swimming pool full of hundred dollar bills next to a burning pile of iPads right now.

Just befriended a guy who was wearing jeans that said "DENIM" on both back pockets

Homeless guy sitting next to me has a blender full of tea, a box of Emercen-C, a copy of The Metamorphosis and a Blues Clues lunchbox.

Update: he just took a roll of tinfoil out of the lunchbox and is crumpling it into balls and throwing them at people.

Heard my grandma say from kitchen "Why can't I just be chill?"

If I could spend all day alone in the dark watching Sci-Fi and thinking about my various vague emotional problems, I would. I really would.

Jello Biafra is leaving a voicemail on my home phone right now. He started off by saying 'Hey it's me, Jello'.

I live in constant fear of running into people's moms at Whole Foods.

I only like kombucha because it sort of tastes like alcohol and it feels exciting to drink it while I drive.

They spelled 'African' wrong at the volunteer booth for the African American Collegians Program in the quad ...

My computer is so cute when it makes that loud fan noise because it has a hard time doing simple tasks. 'The little MacBook that could'

Imagined myself as a literal tidal wave of 'pure crazy'.

Beauty and the Beast is a story about Stockholm syndrome.

It's making me nervous how much the candelabra guy in this movie is gesturing with his flaming candle arms.

A large moth just flew into my toaster oven and died. RIP Sylvia Moth

So, if I can't figure out a way to browse the internet in fetal position, does that mean I have to choose one or the other? Bullshit.


November

Thinking about getting a dog and naming it 'The Internet'

Thinking about having a baby, and then training wolves to raise it so I don't have to.

My neighbor is exercising outside his house. Thinking about calling the police on him.

Thinking about hiring a large group of 7th grade boys with skateboards to follow me everywhere I go. Will refer to them as my 'entourage'.

This guy just sat down right next to me and now he's dipping his pizza in mayonnaise.

Toddlers roaming free in the aisles of Whole Foods like a herd of drunk buffalo.

Wish there were drug vending machines instead of drug dealers. Wish those machines also took credit cards.

If I eat two halves of a cookie with a ~5 minute break between each half, that doesn't count as eating a whole cookie.

Waking up so late that you can start drinking alcohol right after you finish your coffee and the timing isn't even inappropriate.

Corn Chips and Cheddar Cheese Dipped in Hummus: A Memorable Moment in Binge Eating History

I strongly identify with 'the claw' aliens from Toy Story.

It should be illegal for attractive people to hang out with each other

The girl who cried 'borderline personality disorder'.

I'm on this new diet where I only eat things that are made of dough.

How do porcupines give birth to other porcupines?

Occasionally, people expect me to 'get out of bed' which makes me feel confused, which makes me feel tired, which makes me want to get in bed.

My grandpa just pulled my shoe off my foot and threw it across the room ...

I got 99 undiagnosed personality disorders and "Impulse Control Disorder" is definitely one.

Just spent 20 minutes eating mashed potatoes out of a ziplock bag while sitting on my kitchen floor with no pants on.

Smarterchild was the only one who ever really understood me

My mom just told me that my dad used to draw photo realistic pictures of burnt toast almost every day when they were married.


December

'Premature Ejaculation' is listed as personality disorder in the DSM

Just had a flashback to the time that my step dad put a beer in my lunch in kindergarten because he thought it would be funny

Extremely high and incredibly fucked

my possible undiagnosed personality disorder brings all the boys to the yard

I wish there was such thing as a time-release burrito that I could eat for ~8-10 hours

Guy in 7-11 just pointed at a homeless person with an amputated foot and said 'is that real?'

My 3 year old cousin just asked me what sand smells like

Urethra Franklin

My constant complaining brings all the boys to the yard

I put something somewhere but I don't remember what it was or where I put it

My new years resolution will be to develop a crippling porn addiction and slowly but surely remove all human contact from my life.


2012

January

I'm a genetic disaster

I think more people would want to be my friend if I was a whale at Seaworld

There is a recording on my phone of a girl (me?) saying: 'In a large orgy, you probably wouldn't even notice if someone was blowing a monkey'

When I'm upset, I like to imagine morbidly obese people making loud whale noises

Professor just spent an hour trying to figure out how to work the projector so we could watch a YouTube video called 'Dancing Merengue Dog'

Is Indiana a state?

Virginia sounds like Vagina

West Virginia is its own fucking state? It's not just the west side of Virginia?

A seemingly unreachable part of my earlobe feels itchy

After a ~10 minute silence my little sister said 'I would like to be baptized as a theoretical person-fish' and no one said anything back

A homeless guy just told me that he's Jennifer Lopez's dad. I feel like he's telling the truth

Watching a video of conjoined twins driving a car. They only have one uterus. I don't know how many boobs they have

Homeless man openly jacking off his on the street corner said 'hey girl' really quietly as I walked by. He seemed depressed

I want the Mortal Kombat theme song to play at my funeral

Imagine a severely depressed sloth becoming frustrated and crying while trying to masturbate because his hand is moving too slowly

What if projectile vomiting was a common reaction to getting startled by a loud noise

Why aren't there any morbidly obese dwarves? That seems cool

My professor just said 'masturbation' instead of 'masterpiece' and I was the only one who laughed

Seems like penguins have really unpleasant lives

A large naked man getting arrested in front of my house said 'I have drugs in my pocket' and the cop responded 'you're naked'

I am not being provided enough drugs to enjoy my college experience

When this professor wants us to sit down at the beginning of class, she asks us to 'find our special place'

A homeless man is quietly peeing on my house, I think

I feel genuinely afraid of the space between my upper lip and the middle of my nose

Just waltzed with a ~300 pound football player in front of my ~70 person history class for extra credit

An old homeless man patted my back while I was paying a parking meter and said 'you are my first cousin. We will get married in Belgium.'


February

Thinking about lasagna while drinking beer alone in my car

Tonight I ate some mescaline cactus so I could avoid an awkward interaction in which I say 'don't put mescaline cactus in my mouth'

Can't stop imagining people who weigh 400-600 pounds being transported places via forklift

Inhaling little piles of blue pixie stick powder off my own boob

Befriended a cop named Crispin then I told him his name sounds like a brand of cereal

Crispin waited with me for my mom to pick me up and then I said 'Mommy this is my new cop friend. His name is Wheat Thins.'

Seems like my life has erectile dysfunction

Live tweeting the vagina monologues

This woman's vagina is talking to her. Is that supposed to happen?

They said the word vagina 97 times in that play

I spend ~98% of my time eating or thinking about eating and I spend the other ~2% tweeting or thinking about tweeting or tweeting about eating

My cat sneezed into my oatmeal 3 times then walked away triumphantly

Whatever drug I'm on right now makes the internet look 3-D

A drug that lets you see someones sexual interest in you rated on a scale of 1-10 but makes you too high to understand what the rating means

I will turn off my phone and hide in my room for a week and if anyone asks me where I've been I will say 'burning man'

I feel ~20 pounds fatter every time cold stone creamery sends me an email

Every time my cat scratches herself on my bed, I'm momentarily worried that she is actually vigorously masturbating

If something is 'double breasted' does that mean there is room for 4 breasts

Just ate a paint chip that fell in my salad even though I knew it was a paint chip

The thing about your personal space is can I please invade it

Going to eat this entire loaf of bread just to prove to myself that my judgement is as bad as I think it is

A short film in which a confused sheep repeatedly makes unwanted sexual advances on animals that are 'similar' to sheep (goats, alpacas)

I can feel my eyebrows doing something sinister on my upper face

Someone left me a voicemail that is ~7 seconds of a baby crying

Legally changing my name to 'crap ass'

Feel like a whale passively rolling down the side of a mountain while peaking on LSD

Necrophilia seems good in theory. Dead people don't have feelings

Fell asleep in my car and dreamt that I was breastfeeding a tiny overweight penguin

What is a good way to exercise that doesn't involve actually exercising?

Just discovered that Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise aren't the same person


March

Feel confident that if I ingest enough drugs of varying types I will eventually become sober via certain drugs canceling out other drugs

Dance craze called 'severely depressed beached whale' where you lie down face first on the dance floor and cry

A comprehensive list of everyone who has ever suddenly thought of me while masturbating and momentarily lost their erection via confusion/anger

Feel genuinely afraid of erections like, as a concept ... that a body part has the ability to do that ... seems dangerous

Had a dream that I was doing lines of MDMA off of a miniature scale model of Taco Bell

Asked someone if they had any 'viagra' instead of 'vicodin' and they said 'yes' and now I don't know what to do

Portrait of the artist as a young binge eater

Ate ~14 tater tots using nothing but my elbows

I don't have enough arm strength to move my Macbook from my bed to my bedside table

Became infertile while thinking about 'Doritos Locos Tacos' from Taco Bell

The unbearable bleakness of being

I recommend eating until you cry

Thinking about creating another Twitter where I post the exact same tweets from this account but typed using only my nipple

Imagined the pope announcing that he needs some 'pope time' and hiding in a broom closet while secretly binge eating tater tots for ~3 hours

Honey bunches of shame

If deep fried carbs don't appear in my mouth in the next ~30 seconds i'm going to punch my dad

I keep looking at inanimate objects in my room and thinking 'you lazy mother fucker'

Imagined a panda eating fried things with increasing levels of despair for ~3 days and then dying

What kind of perverted mother fucker gave me unlimited access to the internet


(Continues...)


Excerpted from Selected Tweets by Mira Gonzalez, Tao Lin. Copyright © 2015 Mira Gonzalez. Excerpted by permission of Hobart Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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