Chapter One



                             I. META-FOURS


The poet's fascination with his dotty invention, the meta-four, continues.
Its only "rule" is that each line have four words. All capitals and punctuation
are eliminated, except for hyphens and apostrophes. The result
(when it works) turns sense into nonsense and gets the mind so off-stride
that you don't know whether you're coming or going. And you don't
distinguish "prose" from "poetry." There is the ancient local limerick:

                    There was a young bugger from Dent,

                    whose cock was so long that it bent.

                    To save himself trouble,

                    he put it in double-

                    and instead of coming, he went!!!


   That's the idea.

   Today's huckster now has about fifteen seconds in which to sell soap-thirty,
seconds strain the attention of the couch potato. The wastrel poet
(a no-goodnik with nothing to sell to any appalled American mall-rat)
may not have five seconds. He therefore alerts his words: You guys better
creep in, crap, and creep out, like starting now: DO IT!

   Judith Thurman gives good advice: "Start as near the end of a poem
as you can."

   The lines in a meta-four make sure that you do as much work as the
writer did-maybe even more. Few will be willing who don't read poetry,
perhaps, but the poet aspires to reach no one else-no one but willing
readers, that is. "Cromwell, I do charge thee, Flench from ambition. By
that sin fell the angel," etc.

   The meta-four, like the limerick, is a form that seems to provoke a
certain lubricity. There's nowt wrong with that, luv. You'll find plenty of
lyricism and visionary concern later on in the book.


META-FOURS ("Voces Intimae")

      courtesy of raoul middleman

      so what did the

      zen monk say to

      the hotdog vendor make

      me one with everything



   a play by jardiel

   pordela is titled carlo

   monte in monte carlo



        le artie shaw artichaut



   that's it game's over

   zip up your fly



        estimated acres of forest

        henry david thoreau burned

        down in 1844 trying

        to cook fish he'd

        caught for dinner 300



   i intended on celebrating

   the supreme court sodomy

   ruling by going out

   and sodomizing someone last

   night but my plans

   fell through tra la



      from nowhere a crow

      came with me as

      i left the city



        vat 69 is not

        the pope's private phoneline



   ben katchor's cheap novelties

   the pleasures of urban

   decay featuring mr julius

   knipl real estate photographer



        i still remember the

        classic yiddish joke ferdinand

        ruge my english master

        at st albans used

        to tell it went

        like this so what

        is the difference between

        the stoic and the

        cynic schools of philosophy

        vell de stoic is

        vut brings de babies

        and de cynic's vere

        you vash de dishes



      but egg bread is

      what your mama's generation

      used to call it



        East Village Blues

        had it in my

        mouth twice no dice



   We're Experiencing Audio Irregularities

   you do jack it

   don't you peter as

   big as that you

   don't just sit around

   and look at it



        bowflex like having an

        entire jim at home



   most people over eighty

   don't buy green bananas



        paulus spongopeus gistebnicenus arguably

        the most prolific bohemian

        composer of his time



      the auvergnats do rather

      elaborate things with eggs



        ecballium elaterium squirting cucumber

        discharges explosively when ripe



   J.B.

   what did you call

   that lad who pumped

   petrol at the garage

   i called him angelpups

   what else dumb ass

   i called him angelpups



      hey travis fimmel do

      you still wear calvins

      i wear what's clean



   Dylan

   pink i likes blue

   i likes but puce

   i bloody hates mate



      the money talks and

      absolutely everybody else listens



   fytp fytp fytp fytp

   fuck you too pal



      nc bone & joint



   with all the dna

   in the cum on

   my stomach i could

   clone myself three times



      the viagra i took

      with dinner stayed with

      me all the way

      to memphis which gave

      me something to do



   Pedophile TV Ads Are Here

   why do i have

   aflac insurance on top

   of my regular health

   insurance did i say

   it is because he

   has his mother's thighs



      yonat wiryamoso that's my

      name in linear b

      according to guy davenport

      who should bloody know



   Rebus

   i'm dealing with slime

   to catch a slug



      a psychic and a

      celebrity a camera and

      a murder all come

      together in this riveting

      page-turner by tata bosboom



   The John Murray Archive

   it includes the pubic

   hair of byron's lover



   balthus smiles that on

   park avenue women laugh

   when they are coming



      miss charlene mason sang

      i will not pass

      this way again giving

      pleasure to the congregation

      very considerable pleasure indeed



   rita was a nympho

   my father knew stuff



      Thomas Wolfe

      editing his work was

      likened to putting a

      corset on an elephant



        the name's volpo drought



      another image i embed

      my mind's eve into



   After Ovid

   jackin' the bean stalk



      where will you be

      when your diarrhea comes

      back answer me that



        Jack Morton

        christ john the day

        you give up smoking

        is the day i

        change my underwear and

        that's a genuine promise



   thomas jeckyll's sunflower firedogs



      Scenes of Childhood:

      Last Day of Gene Ramey's School,

      Cornelia, Georgia, 1943

      hurray hurray hurray hurray

      the first of May

      outdoor fucking starts today



   father sebastian kneipp's waters



        In the Public's Book

        at R.B. Kitaj's Exhibition at the Met

        i hate this kind

        of exhibit specially when

        it comes from a

        faget ps like him

        and likewise Hockney Sam




      Some Chards from Over at

      the Neugents' Place

      well that's coon holdin'

      that black snake and

      back behind him that's

      either frog or hell

      it might be turtle

      ridin' that goddamned chopper



   one move you're chutney



        home sweet sweaty home



   O.J. in South Florida

   i met this girl

   once and she tells

   me she only dates

   guys with ten inches

   i said baby i

   ain't cuttin' off two

   inches not for nobody



      hegel once said the

      owl of minerva flies

      at dusk i think

      i can top that

      the bowel of minerva

      moves at dusk so

      what do you think


   openly gay high school

   football player visits hickory



      Bruce Boycik,

      San Diego Padres Manager

      plays by his pants

      wins with his gut



   and on one climb

   had his hair set

   on fire by lightning



      cher maitre we brits

      are an odd lot

      some of my colleagues

      have taken to pronouncing

      your name morris ravel

      to rhyme with gravel

      the english are like

      dogs they go round

      pissing on everything salut



        A Fifeshire Prayer

        a shower a shave

        a shit a shag



      his father used to

      say if shit was

      gold you'd have a

      wee tyke at yer

      erse screamin' faster more



   Jimmy at Sixteen

   i'm not too strong

   on love i just

   love to do it



        oh boy a hard-to-find

        piece of freckleton stoneware



   one edinburgh publican has

   a sign over the

   bar that says if

   assholes could fly this

   would be an airport



      Buddy Hackett

      they told him to

      behave as though he

      were an egg he

      lay down on the

      floor they asked him

      what he was doing

      i'm a fried egg



      holy cow i said

      are you ever huge



   sirius listens to dumbledore

   even if he doesn't

   like what he hears



      Dizzy

      o john birks you

      really were the works



   as the french say

   may the flames of

   islam consume your degenerate

   lifestyle you depraved crab-louse



      drives like a man

      with a paper asshole


   a celadon-colored velvet armchair



      Thelma's Kitchen

      black-eyed peas simmer all

      day as god intended



   we all start plucking

   turkeys this next tuesday



        tall can of corn


   A Richard C Poem

   the dinah shore dinosaur



      bucket of blue smoke



        by the way did

        you know that massachusetts

        is passamaquoddy for asshole



   in swim meat 2

   the return of humpy

   a peter hunter production

   here's young jeremy the

   classic california blond ditz

   so young so dumb

   so full of cum

   so jeremy intrudes into

   a small orgy yelling

   better watch out boys

   i'ma pig for hole

   words for the ages



        simon spent most of

        the day in the

        phone box down there

        by the duck pond



      had seen that someday

      the summer sun would

      not throw his shadow



   save your bones for

   henry jones cause henry

   don't eat no meat



      Apollo and Hyacinthus

      i trust you heeded

      your mother's admonition to

      wear clean knickers in

      case you happened to

      meet a god in

      the course of your

      sultry travels so when

      we come to you

      bosky dell i am

      likely to rip those

      knickers right off you

      kid i really am



   the rolling stone interview

   asked dolly parton if

   she was a virgin

   in the cheerleader photo

   when she was sweet

   16 listen here boys

   my cherry was so

   far up inside me

   i used it for

   a taillight bless jesus



      the irish working class

      is uniquely literate in

      the western world for

      example two englishmen on

      a london building site

      one says to the

      other fucking hell stewart

      why are you still

      hiring these fucking paddies

      after all the bombings

      and all i'll tell

      you why mate they're

      very very intelligent he

      calls over paddy paddy

      tell my friend the

      difference between a joist

      and a girder sure

      mid begorra dead easy

      boss joist wrote ulysses

     and girder wrote faust



   my daughter can spot

   a cute boy at

   150 yards what she

   can't find is a

   tomato in the refrigerator



      i just had sex

      on the coney island

      ferris wheel it was

      not a dream and

      boy am i glad



      Das Lied Von Der

      Kinderspielplatz

      if i give you

      a nickel you can

      suck my pickel if

      you give me a

      dime you can suck

      it all the time



        Stan Getz (1927-1991)

        i've never played a

        note i didn't mean

        and i'd like that

        written on my tombstone



   it was just yesterday

   afternoon wizard whateley said

   ygnaiih ygnaiih thflthkhh'ngha yog-sothoth



        Lou Donaldson

        pickin' coleslaw in arkansas



      but by the end

      of lunch uncle norman

      was enthusing about the

      smell of children's armpits



   C.S.L.

   if you ordered a

   trainload of assholes and

   all you got was

   him you would still

   think you got a

   lot for your money



      Old 6th-Century-b.c.