Self-Love 101

Myisha Battle: Hey, hey! Welcome back to another edition of KCRW's How's Your Sex Life? As always, I'm your host Myisha Battle. Hi, how is your sex life? I wanna hear about it. This week we're doing some soul searching. All of the questions in this episode are really about learning what you like when it comes to sex, pleasure, and intimacy with yourself. So let's dive in. And just a reminder, the questions you're hearing are voiced by actors, not the question askers.

Question #1: Hi Myisha! I'm getting over my religious slash immigrant parents upbringing to explore who I am and what I want on my own terms. How do you know if you want something casual or serious?

Myisha Battle: I love love, love, love this question because it's such a fruitful area of interrogation for us to think about as adults. What messages were we given as kids that we just took as universal truths, and then suffered because we were trying to apply that to ourselves, and it didn't feel right? It just didn't land the way we thought it would land or it didn't land the way we saw other people experiencing sex and dating. So for instance, I think a lot of folks, especially women, have notions of what is appropriate sexual behavior early on in a relationship versus, you know, further along into a relationship. It sounds to me you're at a crossroads where you're thinking, well, maybe casual sex is something that I'm interested in, I'm not sure. And those past messages from your religious upbringing may be lingering in the back of your mind, as you know, don't do this, you'll be a slut, you'll be a whore,  you will ruin your chances of finding a good partner, you will get an STI, you'll get pregnant. These are all the things that we absorb, specifically from sex ed too so you know, even if we didn't have a religious upbringing, or you know, come from a more sexually conservative environment and culture, we would have gotten these messages at school. So we have to take the time to sift through. Okay, what is it that I really believe now about myself, what I believe right now is that I'm open to the idea of being sexual with someone who I do not have a long term relationship with. Okay, that's a great place to start. If you feel like even declaring that is scary, maybe set up a pros and cons list for yourself. And look at the reasons that you think it might be positive for you to explore casual relationships, versus what might be something that would hold you back from that experience. And then think about what that means for your dating life. If you feel like there are more pros than cons, then I really encourage you to start to explore that. Well, how do you do that? You set up a dating profile, you put up some you know, maybe more like sexy pics of yourself. You swipe around, you try to find people who are looking for short term and casual encounters and hopefully you find someone really, really cool and respectful to explore with. And then take notes of how you feel, doing this experiment, you know, having these experiences that might go against some of the teachings that you internalized. If afterwards, you feel a lot of guilt and shame, that's probably pretty normal at this point. But sometimes you might feel that the pleasure you experience kind of is more than the guilt and the shame. So think of this as an experimental phase. You can really put your student hat on and guess what? You know, the course that you're taking is you. You know, the coursework that you're going to be doing is figuring out your own ideas about sex and dating, not anybody else's just yours.

Myisha Battle: Okay, let's move on to our next question. This one comes from a woman who's never used a vibrator, but thinks it's time to buy her first one. I'll read this question. 

Question #2: I'm 67 years old and I've never done any significant masturbation or used a vibrator. None of that was encouraged when I was growing up. I'd like to enhance my libido and I'm wondering if you can recommend what kind of vibrator I should purchase? I don't have a clue. 

Myisha Battle: Yes, I have many recommendations. The first one might be familiar to you because it is the classic go-to gold star standard of vibrators and that is the magic wand. The magic wand is truly, truly magical. And I do think that it's a great starter vibrator for most people with vulvas. The reason being is that you can try out different vibrations. It's specifically a clitoral vibrator. So some folks find the more phallic vibrators a little off-putting. This is something that was marketed as a back massager. And then of course, people discovered other places where this felt good on their bodies. But yeah, that's one area where I would I would suggest exploring, there are a number of options of magic wands these days. So the old school ones, you actually have to plug into the wall and they're really really intense vibration wise. And they typically only have the on off setting. Nowadays you can buy one that is chargeable and that has an option to kind of increase intensity, either with you know, a number system of you know how intense you want it or you can actually turn a dial to like up the vibration. Some people actually find the intensity of magic wands to be too much. So if you are feeling overwhelmed, even at the lowest setting of the magic wand that you get, you can actually dampen that sensation with a towel. And that can feel really good also. So yeah, that's like a great first place to start. And the reason that I go there to like this classic model is my mind goes to Betty Dodson's bodysex workshops, where she helped women learn how to orgasm through the use of a vibrator. These were classes that Betty taught in a group setting that allowed women to use a magic wand of their own and practice what's called "rock and roll", which is her technique, Betty Dodson's technique, of helping women to experience orgasm. So for someone who is new to masturbation, it can feel good to just have a few steps to take to incorporate your vibrator into your masturbation practice, because it can be overwhelming to try something like this for the first time. I think that the rock and roll technique is great. Essentially you're going to be kind of grinding on the vibrator. So holding the vibrator still while you move your hips and your pelvis up and down against the bulbous part of the vibrator. And this is meant to simulate what your body would naturally do if you were super turned on and with a partner. But you can do this yourself and women all over the world who have gone through these workshops have, you know, found a lot of pleasure and satisfaction and learning how to masturbate with a vibrator in this way. So I hope that that is helpful for you. If you look at the magic wand and you're like hell no, I highly recommend looking at something that is specifically a clitoral vibrator. Maybe you want something on the smaller side or maybe something that doesn't even look like a vibrator at all. I like my vibrators to be objets and I like to look at pleasurable things. So I highly recommend the TENGA iroha line. These look like cuddly, fluffy, little objects that you know I've been at TSA and someone has picked it up out of my bag and squeezed it and said 'This is adorable. What is this?' and I say 'it's a vibrator' and then her face just totally dropped. And I was like yeah, maybe you don't touch people's things. True story. So you know it's up to you! Go with the classic model or maybe try something that is a little bit more designy and small and compact. There are tons of things on the market now, designed specifically for vulva havers and that wasn't always the case. So I really, I'm like, kind of jealous that you're getting to explore at this time for the first time. 

Myisha Battle: We're gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we'll hear a question from someone whose dating experience has left her wondering if she needs to be in a relationship to experience intimacy. If you've been listening, remember, you can send us a question anytime at sex life at kcrw dot org. 

[BREAK]

Myisha Battle: All right, we're back. This last question comes from a listener who is so tired of dating, she's this close to giving up entirely. Let's take a listen.

Question #3: I have terrible luck with dating. I'm in my late 30s and I haven't been in a committed relationship since high school. I've talked to several guys in my 20s and 30s yet I'm not able to move on beyond the initial date one or two. They all want to have sex with me though. Every guy gives me compliments and no real complaints. So I have no idea why I haven't been able to move into a relationship. I'm very close to giving up on the idea of being in a committed relationship, but I still enjoy sex and would like to practice sensuality more. My question is, is it possible to have intimacy and sensuality in life without a committed relationship? What are some of the ways this can be done?

Myisha Battle: Yeah, sensuality starts at home. I fully believe that. So cultivating a sensual life can be something that you do as an individual. You don't need a partner for that. There's been such a huge focus on being okay, being single, since the pandemic and on social media I see all these accounts of, you know, people taking themselves on dates and you know, having sensual time just for them, creating rituals that help them feel more deeply connected to their sensuality, their sexuality. So I want you to envision a world in which you can be your full sensual self, regardless of whether or not you have a partner. I love that you are open to exploring sexual connections, it sounds like the men that, you know, you've been dating in the past don't respect that you have this sense of sexual autonomy and that you, you know, you want the sexual connection to ultimately lead to a relationship, but you're not necessarily, you know, opposed to connecting with them sexually. The problem is, these men are perhaps of the ilk who believe that once they get from women what they want, they move on. So I would focus on increasing the quality of the men that you're spending time with, one of the things that I noticed with my clients is that when they're experiencing that first date fizzle, like you're just continuously going on first dates, or maybe you get to the second, but nothing really materializes. It's, it's usually not you, girl, it's really it's not, it's the people that you're picking, who are not up to the task of meeting you where you are, which sounds like there is some flexibility there, come into my sensual world, enjoy me sexually, go about your merry way, but don't treat me like shit. Like, that's completely fine. Ultimately, what you want to put out there too, is that you are serious about building a long term committed relationship, eventually, when you find that person who can actually, you know, act at your level. That's really what we're looking for here. So I want you to focus on looking for men who don't just compliment you, but who you feel truly comfortable and like yourself in their presence. Because that shifts the focus away from what you know, you're getting from them. Words are cheap, you know, people can say all kinds of things to a person to get them in the sack, and then they're done. But how people make you feel, especially on a sensual level, that's really important. In fact, go for some quiet guys. Go for some like under the radar like they're just gonna be there kind of guys. I like these guys because they show up and their actions align with their words. They're not just saying all the things in the beginning to get something from you. The moment you feel that run, just just leave the date. You can be halfway through the date just be like this guy is like, he doesn't even know me, and he's telling me how wonderful I am and how, yes, you're probably beautiful and you deserve all the compliments in the world. But you also deserve somebody who wants to get to know the deeper you and to build something with you. And you'll know that when a man starts asking you questions about yourself, and you'll know that when a man seems to listen to the answers that you are giving him, and you will know that by him saying things that really turn you on, like, one of the first things that my partner said on our first date to me that I was like, hmm, this is it, he used the phrase toxic masculinity. And for someone to understand what that meant, was a huge turn on to me. It showed me that we aligned on our worldviews, it showed me that he's been paying attention to the world around us, and that he would not be someone who I could, I had to shy away from those tough conversations about gender and how I'm showing up in my gender and how he's showing up in his gender. So yeah, these are things that can be understated, but very important, turn on, especially as a sensual person as I feel that you are, and you deserve a sensual person who can meet you with that. 

Myisha Battle: As we're wrapping up, I just had a few thoughts that I wanted to share with you. I think something that we underestimate is the relationship that we have with ourselves, and what it means to take care of our sexual selves. And what that could even mean, whether we're dating, taking a pause on dating or in partnership. I think culturally we think of sex as as a partnered activity. And masturbation, solo sex has this negative connotation, especially if you grew up in a religious household, a lot of people absorb a lot of sex negative messages about self pleasure. So it can almost feel like this last resort to explore. But what I think is important is we are our first and longest sexual partners, typically and that's a relationship worth cultivating. That's a relationship worth investigating as we grow and change. And, for me, in my practice, I've seen people who have never really devoted all that much energy to exploring themselves. And when they do, they develop so much more confidence in a partnered scenario. And I think that's really powerful. So what I would like to see more people do is have a practice, a masturbation practice, that's more expansive than that. And more playful than that, and more curious than that. So maybe it does take longer. Maybe for those of you who are used to using a toy, you don't use a toy and do direct stimulation. That can be really transformative for people. I have worked with people who have literally gone years without touching themselves. And that, to me, feels so disconnected and can result in a feeling of disconnection to self, and then a disconnection to partners. I mean, it's a simple solution. It's simple, but not easy. Because I do want to acknowledge that there's a lot of stuff that gets wrapped up in giving yourself attention, giving yourself praise, giving yourself space to explore. And, you know, dealing with the feelings of guilt and shame that might come up with it. I'm here to tell you that the more you do it, the easier this guilt and shame feelings feel. No, I'm not saying you can eradicate them completely. But they do lessen over time. But yeah, I'm curious if you have thoughts about what a solo sex practice might look like. Do you think it's hokey? Do you want to try it but have fears or doubts about it? Or is it something that you already do and you want to share with a larger audience what your practice is? Tell me and email me at sex life at kcrw dot org. I want to hear from you. 

Myisha Battle: That's our show for today. You can find me on all the socials at Myisha Battle. That's M-Y-I-S-H-A B-A-T-T-L-E. Until next time, take care, stay open and enjoy the process. How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission to Nathalie Hill, Megan Ellingboe, Connie Alvarez, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. Plus a shout out to our voice actors Angie Perrin and Bennett Purser.