Hamas Express

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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovsrskaya with Social Studies for KCRW.

It has not been a festive week me at St. Petersburg house of discreet pleasure. I had emergency visit to West Bank last week and my head is killing me.

First these idiots at the airport confiscated my stilettos from off my feet saying they could be used as weapon, this is after I made sure to check in bag with lotions and lubricants.

Ten hours later, I find myself at Ben-Gurion Airport surrounded by bunch of Hasidic Jews eating popsicles, waiting for Abbas people to take me to Ramallah but nobody is there to pick me up. I call his office and this guy starts yelling at me, "How can we pick you up? We can't even walk 20 meters without hitting concrete wall."

I said, "Look-mister whatever your name is- this is not my problem and I don't like your attitude by the way."

Thank God I ran into Leo Decaprio at the taxi stand with his new Israeli supermodel. I like her. His last supermodel from Brazil, Gisele, she scared me, very handsome woman but something about her face reminded me of pound cake. I don't know why.

Anyway I get to compound and Abu Mazen is not pretty sight. I have to literally peel him from off the sofa, I said to him, no wonder you are depressed your are utterly unmoisturized, luckily I had little sample of that Dermalogica active moist that I got at Sephora last week and I applied immediately and already looked million times better.

I said to him forget about this Haniya putz in Gaza, he is troublemaker with not one productive instinct in his body, angry, negative, he has obviously not watched The Secret.

This video The Secret changed my life. I'm kidding. It's a piece of crap. Pay $20 for some Ozzie woman to tell me to think positive about my problems. She is from Australia what kind of problem can she have? "Oh take cover, it's Aborigine uprising!"

Is good idea, state obvious, call it secret and charge money to learn secret. I think I will also write book that will change your life called Svetlana's secrets (you have to whisper it otherwise people don't believe its secret). secret 1# EAT. Secret #2 PLUG YOUR METER etc. etc.

This is not to say that I don't agree with advice, I told Abu Mazen, "Think positive. What were you going to do with Gaza anyway? I mean honestly, how could you have one Palestinian state in two different places? What were you going to do, build a monorail between the two? Palestinian express. With purple seats and happy music. Then the Israelis would want to ride it also, and then what kind of music would you play to make everybody happy? Arab? Israeli? Fela Kuti? Femi Kuti?"

He said, "You're right, monorail is not happening, but what are we supposed to do?"

I said "Honestly, move to Phoenix."

He laughed. He said, "Phoenix is funny word, always good for jokes," and then he told me he would rather host an AIPAC convention than fly to Phoenix.

I said, "If that's how you feel then even The Secret cannot help you. Just remember this, you are not working in brick factory in China. You are not in rehab in drunken stupor. You have friends, people that love you, that are here to support you. Condi sent you a nice box of chocolates. Olmert sent you email with smiley face. They are reaching out, don't push them away."

And with that word of wisdom, I walked barefoot out of compound and hitched ride to Tel Aviv to meet up with Leo for night of debauchery which included a game of poker and some oddly utilized couscous. Lets just say I'm happy to be back. This is Svetlana Maksimosvrskaya with Social Studies on KCRW. Salaam.



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