Power Outtage

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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksomvisoealyaah with Social Studies for KCRW.

My phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from Assad and Kim Jong Il, grilling me about Israeli air strike. "We know head air force commander is your client," they tell me."

"Fantastic, but you also know my sessions are confidential, now get me off speaker phone. I can hear AQ Khan breathing in the background. And don't tell me he is back in Pakistan, Bashie, you told me yourself you all got together last week for fantasy baseball league."

"And to be honest" I told him, you are quite lucky you only suffered little air strike. You think only Gaza could be enemy entity. The head of Mossad has master switch for entire Middle East utility grid, I have seen it myself in his bedroom. He could have turned off your water and power too and that would have been the end of your coveted satellite television. No more quiet nights eating rice cakes, watching Flight of the Conchords.

I love that show by the way, two kiwis trying to get laid, with little musical interludes in between. Its fantastic. I am happy HBO realized show can be just as smart when it is simple, it does not have to be convoluted nightmare like that John Cincinnati nonsense. I don't have time to follow complicated storylines, my nights are usually booked, I like little independent stories every week, where I don't feel like idiot if I did not see series premiere five years beforehand.

That being said I am no dummy, I don't like to be hit over head with explanation or message, that is why I was nervous to see Paul Haggis new film In the Valley of Elah because Crash drove me crazy. It was like sledgehammer of tolerance pounded into brain. I did not need fourteen storylines and 95 coincidences to know that Los Angeles is segregated. But thank God his new film is fantastic. Simply fantastic. Yes, he could not help throwing in some heavy handed imagery, upsidedown flag , some spoonfeedy dialogue, but overall this was gripping film, thanks to good direction and Tommy Lee Jones. What a performance, emotion creeping out of every pore of his body, every tiny movement loaded with meaning, you know the film could have been silent and I still would have understood entire story.

It's funny, Tommy was actually referred to me by Al Gorkie 15 years ago. And usually with new clients that call me, I invite them over first for extensive in- person interview, you know to figure out chemistry and do credit check, but I only had to hear Tommy's sexy voice for two seconds and I told him, I want you part of the Svetlana Family ASAP.

It's always so satisfying when the voice matches the body, almost reassuring that the universe is synchronized, that evolution is going in harmonious direction. When voice does not match body, its horrible, its jarring. It is the only reason I could not take on David Beckham as client. No matter how hard I tried or how much money he offered, I couldn't look and listen to him at same time, it made me feel schizophrenic. (I'm so happy to be playing for Galaxy Svetlana). Ach. And the worst part is, he could not take no for answer. Well, actually it wasn't him, it was his little nutmeg wife, last week she stormed into St. Peterburg house of discreet pleasure, jumping up and down like a broomstick in heels:

"How come other celebrities get service and my husband does not?"

"Because my other clients don't sound like Tweetie bird!" I told her. Of course she could not argue with that, she just stood there staring at me with her awkward hair cut, refusing to leave. So finally I took big exhale which sent her flying out the door into VIP parking lot. It took her almost twenty minutes to collect her vertebrae from off the pavement.

Anyway I have to go, they are calling me in to testify as a "new, last minute, maybe this will help you make up your mind" witness in Phil Spector case. Scalia and I have had many arguments abut idiocy of jury system in this country and this is perfect example.

This is Svetlana Maksidmaoaiwa with Social Studies for KCRW. Goooooaaalll.



Iris Bahr