Sammy Unplugged

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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovrolskrjahyah with Social Studies for KCRW.

The last few weeks have been full of surprises for me, and I am sorry to say they have not been in the bedroom. After years of radio and email silence suddenly I am getting text message from Sammy Bin Laden, and it was upsetting to say the least. You know the last time he made contact was to tell me he was over me and living happily on Boulevard de St. Germain hahaha, speaking of which, I just saw the film Two days in Paris with this pretty French actress Julie Delpy, I liked it, it was smart film, about her complex relationship with American boyfriend played by Adam Goldberg. I am seeing him everywhere lately. Good actor but you know he looks so mean this guy, very Jewish and very mean, like he would throw entire Passover plate right in your face. With the egg and the horseradish and the lambshank the whole thing pow right in your face.

Anyway, at the time Sammy contacted me from Paris I did not respond, because I believe nothing ever gets resolved in email, you know you can put all the smiley faces you want, the humor is always lost and it's recipe for misunderstanding. And I also knew he was angry at me for dropping him as client but the minute things started getting sketchy over there I took my girls and we left. I told him then, "Sammy, I have my limits. Where is the person I first met, the one that was considering career in real estate or as dental assistant, where is he? He is gone. And so am I," but he would not take no for an answer and he kept bugging me with emails, texts, music videos, those were the most awkward, with him standing by boom box making robotic dance moves. (Although I have to say Britney could learn something from him about commitment to choreography and lip synching. Poor girl, bumbling about at the music video awards last night. She looked like a confused potato. But at least she was trying right. And to be fair to Sammy ,there was one decent video with him perched on stool with acoustic guitar playing Scarborough Fair that was fairly moving, but that was years ago and I have moved on. So to suddenly get text from him last week, without so much as "Hello" or "How is St. Petersburg house of discreet pleasure?" - just a text message "Can you recommend good hair dye" I was outraged.

"No, I cannot recommend good hair dye, Sammy" I texted back.

"Please, it's important, don't be mad at me."

"Get a life, I wrote back, "And leave me alone, Mr. Bin Laden. I know where you live." Now this apparently scared him, because I waited four more minutes before I got another text.

"THANKS FOR NOTHING!" he writes me, in full capital letters.

"My pleasure." I say, knowing I am going to get last word because his retorts were becoming more childish and emotional.

Another three minute delay. Suddenly he is back to lowercase. "Were you affected by mortgage fiasco?" he writes with sad face, trying to play the considerate card all of a sudden.

"No, Sammy, I paid cash for my house but thanks for asking. You better go now otherwise you won't find a drug store that's open, I know you are not in convenient neighborhood in that regard."

"Yes, you are right Svetlana, you were always so sensible. I miss that. Sniff sniff."

But I did not bend. I hit him where it hurts, "Good luck finding the right color to match your complexion without my assistance Sammy, I hope you don't mess it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go help Oprah devise white people portion of guest list for Obama benefit next week. I am going with Paul Simon, who by the way hates your rendition. Goodbye." And with that I put smiley face and pressed send, knowing that he would be too shattered to respond for at least a few more years. Heheh.

This is Svetlana Maksimovrolskrjahyah with Social Studies for KCRW. Bye bye.



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