Anxious Mess full transcript

ALLISON BEHRINGER: It’s just after midnight and Reese and I are sitting in a big booth at a diner near Times Square. She’s wearing this white dress with a zipper down the front and, in typical Reese fashion, it’s speckled with food stains. I’ve been working on this story for a couple of weeks now. And this is the third time that Reese has asked me this question:

REESE PIPER: What do you think, after spending time with me?

ALLISON: What?

REESE: After spending time with me?

ALLISON: Tbh, I – if you didn’t tell me, if i didn’t know – hanging out with you, I wouldn’t suspect anything. Because you seem–

REESE: Fine.

ALLISON: Fine.

ALLISON: Fine. And the fact that Reese seems fine is the reason it took her so long to figure out what was going on with her. And it’s the reason that even now, after she’s solved her mystery, it’s really hard for her to get help.

This is Bodies, a podcast about people solving mysteries about their bodies. I’m Allison Behringer.

REESE: Hello. Hi. I'm Reese Piper and I'm a writer and a stripper and a journalist.

ALLISON: In 2016, Reese Piper moved to New York City to follow her dream of becoming a writer. So, as one does, she got an internship, unpaid, at an online magazine. And then to actually support herself, she found working stripping. Then, she got some roommates and an apartment. Her problems started pretty much right away.

ALLISON: And in order to convince, Reese performs.

One night, I tagged along with her to a strip club in midtown Manhattan. And here’s why I went with her – understanding Reese’s mystery actually has a lot to do with her work as a stripper.

We’re in the women’s bathroom. Reese is touching up her makeup. My phone is recording.

ALLISON: I zip my phone inside my bag before we walk out. In the dim lighting, no one can see the food and lipstick stains on her white dress. Compared to the other dancers, Reese looks a bit out of place. No cleavage pops out from her dress. And she’s short: If it weren’t for her four inch platform heels, she’d be standing 5’2”.

Reese walks up to a large older man.

REESE: The problem is when you go to a therapist as a sex worker, even when they are accepting, they have no concept of what your work is like.

ALLISON: And so Reese spent most of the session explaining stripping. And then the therapist suggested Google Calendar and other tools – all things that Reese had tried. She left the session without any concrete help, feeling like something was innately wrong with her that she couldn't fix.

REESE: And at this point I did want to get out of the industry. And I just remember crying like I'm never going to be able to leave stripping. How am I ever going to be able to have a job? If I can't show up to work on time? If I can't write emails without typos? Like how am I going to ever feel to keep a job if I can't even take out my trash on Tuesday? I was never going to be able to be successful.

ALLISON: After the internship, Reese tried to make it as a freelance writer. But no one was accepting her pitches. She spent a lot of days in bed, depressed and exhausted. She was getting desperate.

REESE: I had read women like all the stories of women who finally took Adderall after all these years of having these struggles with organization. It was like this big aha moment for them.

ALLISON: For a while, she had been suspecting that maybe she had ADD. Reese made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

REESE: I did read a few interviews saying that he was a bit sexist that I should have listened to them – really listen to reviews because no one says anyone is sexist unless someone is sexist.

I'm so messy or I'm too afraid, too embarrassed to let anyone see my chaotic life. And always having to apologize for yourself. And so it makes it really difficult to let anyone into that life. And so I just remember telling my roommate “Look I'm like I'm never going to be able to fall in love, like it's never going to happen for me like I'm never going to live a normal life.”

ALLISON: This was a kind of rock bottom for Reese. She’d been digging for an answer her whole life and what she finally found at the bottom--it still didn’t make sense and isn’t wasn’t providing her a way out. When we think of autism, I think a lot of us think of an awkward little kid, maybe who doesn’t speak, who gets put in special classes in school. But what was Reese – a grown woman supposed to do with this self-diagnosis? She didn’t want to see any more doctors. And so feeling like there was nothing she ​could​ do, she figured she’d just get away.

ALLISON: So, if you look up the official definition of autism in the DSM, a manual on diagnosing mental disorders, ​autism spectrum disorder has two main features. One: trouble with social interactions and two: repetitive behaviors. But Reese dug even deeper into the research.

Then, Reese came across another big difference between boys and girls: Girls also tend to struggle more than boys with planning and daily living skills. The missed trains, the messy room, the grocery shopping struggles.

JULIA: For a neurotypical person going grocery shopping, that is one task. For an autistic person going grocery shopping, that might be like six tasks. You have to remember what's involved in grocery shopping.

You have to successfully keep yourself on track and complete all of the steps. you have to deal with a sensory overload of the grocery store-- the kid crying over by the bananas, the fluorescent lights overhead, the beeps the machines are making.

And then after all of that you get home, but you're not done. You might be exhausted but you have to put everything away. And then you have to like plan meals based on the groceries you've got and so on and so forth.

When you talk about autism I think a lot of people only think about social skills. And in reality often the most disabling parts of autism are the things like executive functioning that make it really hard to complete activities of daily living.

All along, executive functioning was one of Reese’s biggest challenges--this could have potentially been a clue for a doctor or therapist. But before talking to Julia, Reese had never even heard the word for it.

REESE: Well why didn't anyone bring this up? I had been in therapy for a year complaining of executive functioning. But no one brought up autism.

In fact, girls who have mild symptoms of autism are diagnosed two years later than boys.

ALLISON: So why the difference in how autism is expressed? There’s some biologically-based theories that have to do with brain structure and X chromosomes. But there are also theories that point to how we’re socialized--that girls are ​expected​ to talk more, or that they’re punished more harshly for not making eye contact or for doing repetitive behaviors.

And that was like, oh that's why I'm like a really good stripper! That makes so much sense, because I had been subconsciously learning scripts my whole life. Like stripping, which is a set of scripts that you pick up, and you interact with people in these sort of really scripted behaviors.

One of the ​most​ positive things that came out of her identifying as autistic and learning what autism means for women – is that for the first time in her life, she’s started to accept herself.

ALLISON: I think sometimes we don’t realize how heavy shame is until it’s lifted. And without the shame weighing her down, Reese started spending less time beating up on herself, and more time taking her writing one step at a time. The article took her a month to write, but she was a little more patient with herself.

REESE: and I think a big moment for me was when this article came out. I mean it went viral. I remember I was at work and I realized like I was like “Oh my god everyone come on come look!” Strippers are each other’s cheerleaders so that was really positive.

ALLISON: Reese has also come to appreciate that being a stripper is a job that accommodates her disability pretty well – she can come and go as she pleases, makes enough money to take time off to rest and write. And it fits her skillset – being autistic has made her a pretty darn good stripper.

REESE: I feel like a whole new person, like who I was a year ago. And who I was the year before that. This hasn’t been a magic bullet​.​ There are still about 2 days a week when I'm in bed. I still need to really find myself, how it is I will move around in the world as an autistic person.

Reese has stopped shouting into the void, and started writing. And she isn’t covering up anything anymore. She’s doing just fine. It’s not the “fine” she spent most of her life seeking, but it definitely is not imaginary.

A quick note on language in this episode. It’s often recommended to use person-first language, like ​woman​ with autism. However, Reese, and many people in the autism community, use identity-first, like autistic woman.

Identity-first embraces autism as part of a person’s identity rather than a condition that is separate from them. I’ve defaulted to the preferences of Reese and Julia and others I interviewed for this episode. You can find Reese Piper on Twitter @thenudereporter.

This week in the Bodies Facebook group, we’ll be sharing resources and articles about autism, as well as Reese’s writing. Thanks to everyone who has joined the group. I feel like we’re really building something special there. You can find a link to the Bodies facebook group in the show notes or by going to KCRW.com/bodies. Come share your reactions to the episode, your stories, your knowledge. Nothing is off the table, and everyone is welcome. You can also follow the show on Twitter at @bodiespodcast and me at @albtweetin. That’s A L B TWEETIN. If you like Bodies, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts - it really helps other people find the show. Thank you to everyone who already has. One more thing, if YOU have a medical mystery that you think would be a fit for this podcast, email me: allison@bodiespodcast.com

This episode was produced and edited by me, Allison Behringer. Sharon Mashihi is the editorial advisor. Additional editorial support from Camila Kerwin and Kristen Lepore. Original score and sound design by Dara Hirsch. Thanks also to Caitlin Peirce, Chiquita Pascal, Amanda, Catherine, Brian, Sam, Ana, and Molly who provided feedback on this episode. Cover artwork by Sarah Bachman. Episode art by Kathy Farthing. Bodies is made with support from KCRW’s Independent Producer Project. Special thanks to managing editor Kristen Lepore, as well as Nick White and the whole KCRW team. I’m Allison Behringer and this is Bodies. See you in two weeks.