When a relationship ends, the uncoupling is rarely without distress. For most, a breakup is accompanied by sorrow, anger, self-recrimination, disbelief, and a lot of pain. When the heart is broken, the wounds are deep and it can take years to recover.
For Los Angeles Times staff writer Todd Martens, the suffering from his breakup was relentless. “I was fine, but in the evening, I would just sort of sit and stare and ruminate over the relationship,” he says. “Ruminate over, ‘Well, what if this had happened? Or what if this had happened? Or what if I had said this, maybe we'd still be together.’”
Despite following all traditional advice from friends and family, seven months later Martens was still in a downward spiral. In his despair, he began to wonder what was happening to him and why he was unable to get over his ex.
The science behind heartbreak became a personal quest for Martens. He openly shared his journey in his article “Science can explain a broken heart. Could science help heal mine?” Speaking with numerous scientists and psychologists, Martens learned from Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, that loss can be viewed within the framework of addiction.
“If I start thinking about this like an addiction, if I start using the language of an addiction, it starts to make me feel like I had a little bit more autonomy over it than I had before,” Martens says. “And if you know anything about addiction, you know you have a craving and that leads to impulsive behavior and that leads to that embarrassing email, that embarrassing text, or going back to all your old photos and reading all your old emails and texts and all that sort of stuff.”
Most striking for Martens was the discovery that the suffering he felt from missing his partner might actually be impacting his health. Martens says research from Dr. David Sbarra at the University of Arizona indicated that “people who are divorced have a shorter life expectancy than people who are coupled up.”
“Even though we weren't married at that point yet,” Martens says, “I think what scared me was, I started to think, it's been 10-12 months, am I shaving years or months off of my life?”
Todd Martens, pictured here, shares his experience with heartbreak and what he learned. “I don't think we talked about breakups, how impactful that can be, and we just sort of expect people to figure it out,” he says. “If you see somebody needing help carrying something, you help them. But breakups you're just expected to grin and bear it and tough it out, especially if you're a dude.” Photo courtesy of the Los Angeles Times.
When Matthew Fray’s marriage ended over ten years ago, he felt “betrayed and quit on.” Only after his divorce did Fray realize that there was a lot he could have done to be a more understanding and compassionate partner. Fray shares his experience and journey of self-discovery and healing in his book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships.
“I perceived myself, in hindsight, to have been the person that most often communicated unintentionally, that I matter more to me than you do, wife,” says Fray. “And so I understand why somebody would pull away. But back when I was in the midst of it, I did not view these microtransactions, these tiny betrayals, these things that seem so minor, so small, as being legitimate threats to my marriage, my family.”
Fray reflects on what he could have done differently to save his marriage and flags some common habits and behaviors that can undermine the love and trust in a relationship.
“If she can't trust me to have her back when I don't think or don't feel about the world the same way, it suggests you're on your own,” he says. “It communicates, ‘Sorry, if I don't agree the problem is a problem … you're on your own to deal with it.’ I believe that makes somebody feel incredibly invisible.”
It was a moment of self-realization for Fray that he hopes he can share with others.
“Once I was able to link that concept with the end of my marriage, which was the worst thing that I had ever experienced personally, it became very easy for me to say, ‘Okay, it's so easy for me to choose putting in a little bit more relational work and inconveniencing myself with somebody. I'm willing to do that work because the consequence of not doing it is slow disconnection and breakage.’”
In his book This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships, author Matthew Fray explains that “when we invalidate repeatedly, somebody feels alone, somebody feels sad, somebody feels left behind, unloved, not cared for. It hurts.” Matthew Fray, pictured here, says the death of a marriage is seldom due to one incident. “It's a pattern of behavior over time,” he says. “Little things that you don't pay attention to might be something to concern yourself with 10, 15, 20 years from now.” Photo courtesy of Matthew Fray.
Matthew Fray on This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships
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