Iraqi Nigiri

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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovolskayah with Social Studies for KCRW.

I have always considered myself a peace loving woman, even my S&M clients say I have soft touch with even the most pointy devices. So it goes without saying that I am against this war in Iraq but when Bushie asked me to go service the troops last week I hopped on plane without second thought.

Now one thing I have heard non-stop over the years is that Iraq is like Viet Nam all over again. And yes they are now also fighting away from home, and yes now they are also fighting for idea, if its oil or democracy or peach cobbler it doesn't matter, the point is they are not fighting on their own soil, for their own soil. It's a losing battle. Is different when you are protecting your own backyard. Trust me, my great grandmother killed 50 Cossacks with just a rock and a spatula.

But I have to tell you something, Iraq war is nothing like Viet Nam for one very important reason: Recreation. Back in Viet Nam the soldiers had nightclubs, alcohol, hot Asian girls, they were in heaven, find me a man that does not have Asian fetish I will close up shop and start teaching pottery in Oxnard. And I hate pottery. It's 21st century stop living in the past with the pinchpots and the ugly ashtrays, we are not Incas in Machu Picchu.

Today in Iraq these poor guys are boiling their assess off in the desert and they have nothing to relieve them, no nightclubs, no women. The local girls show a man their retina they get executed.

And what about the music? These soldiers have no music to motivate them. In Viet Nam, the music was hot, it was sexy, back then Jimi Hendrix made you want to go into jungle and be manly, today Justin Timberlake makes you want to go into kitchen and bake cake.

I am telling you after only one week of intense sexual release with me these guys had enough energy and motivation to take out Iran's entire nuclear program. "Oh, what nuclear bomb?" you are asking, like every other American. "Iran is not a threat. I mean look at Iraq, we thought that was threat and we were wrong."

What kind of idiotic logic is this? What if I went by this fantastic system of reasoning...oh, this client does not have herpes, then obviously this client will not. What does one thing have to do with the other? And the whiners those are the worst. "Oh, we made one mistake let's not make another." This is not way to live life. And not doing something is bigger mistake.

Yes I agree, why waste time in Iraq being counter-productive? Forget the guilt, "we made mess we can't leave it", let's take care of real problem, take the soldiers out of Baghdad and into Tehran where they can be useful, its simple, we are talking about a ten-inute cab ride. And they will love it there. Persian girls love to party. Trust me we should all be dreaming in Farsi.

I am telling you even Seannie Penn agreed with me on this one. And he usually goes for the blondie ice queens. I'm kidding. I hope Seannie doesn't kill me for making joke. He is always yelling at me "What are you laughing at Svetlana? There is no place for humor in the bedroom!"

It's funny, When I told him which clients fully funded my mission, he couldn't believe it. I told him Seannie, these guys are not that bad, yes McCainush got a little whiny last week after his campaign fell apart and sometimes I look at Rudy and think this guy should be selling pickles on the black market, but these guys were all very supportive of sexual release program. Even Mitt the Mormon, who I only met for first time a few weeks ago, (who knew Mormons were so kinky), even he was very supportive. I have to say I did always admire Mormon approach to marriage: safety in numbers. And why do people care so much that he is Mormon? A person could be Satan worshiper and good leader. Or could be good Christian and horrible leader. Or he could just be Scientologist. How fun would that be? Tom Cruise as president, ah hot, charming, takes lots of vitamins puts money in space program. Fantastic.

Poor Tommy though, the way the Germans talked to him last week. "You are cult member you cannot shoot your film here", thank God they had change of heart. Merkeleh told me they assured her Scientology would have no impact on set. Little does she know by week two of shooting she will be in blue polyester suit handing out Hubbard pamphlets at the Brandenburg Gates. "Dianetecs, yah is goot!"

Anyway, I have a private jet to catch, Seannie Penn invited me to join him, he is going to Ahmedinajad's place for MAKE YOUR OWN SUSHI NIGHT. Hewas so excited, he made these little plastic paddle boats and everything.

Anyway, this is Svetlana Makismovoskaya with Social Studies for KCRW. Bye bye.



Iris Bahr