Knocked Up on Darfur

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Hello, This is Svetlana Maskimvoskaya with Social Studies on KCRW. It has been hectic few weeks at St. Petersburg house of Discreet Pleasure with many of my clients needing special attention after their political debates, so I was happy to take a movie break, so I called Rick Santorum, client, many years, who's always had fantastic taste in cinema, we used to go to Fassbinder festivals together, he told me Svetlana you have go see this comedy Knocked Up. This is apparently term for pregnancy. And then they wonder about domestic violence.

That being said, this was fun film. The main actor is as bland as a potato farmer but he does good job and this other girl, from that hospital show, Grey's Anatomy. I hate this show. It's a disaster. I like hospital show like St. Elsewhere where the doctors looked like doctors and they did not have intercourse in the linen closet while their patients were dying of syphilis, no wonder malpractice is rampant in this country, "Oh I'm so sorry, I have no time for treating patient I am getting pleasured behind the triage counter."

And with all due respect, there is not one Jewish doctor on this show, I am happy the network wants jobs for the Asians and the African Americans and the women and the Asian women and the African women but to make show without even one Jewish doctor it's not just anti-Semitic it's not realistic. Oh, here's idea, let's make show about Compton but everybody is Persian Jew from Beverly Hills. Fantastic.

Maybe if they had one shlubby Jewish doctor he could have sex scene with the main actress on the show, Ellen Pompeo -- the one who looks like a vegan, always tired, and squinting all the time, reminds me of that girl from Party of Five show I can't remember her name, the one with the fantastic bosom, I think she is on some ghost whispering thing now. I'm sure her breasts are featured nicely there… If not the ghost then somebody is whispering to them.

All I can say is thank God when my Uncle Vlad came back after six months of dealing arms in Congo with bad case of malaria we took him to Cedars I was furious by the way, I said to him. Why Congo? Go where they need you, like Darfur…and he got very nasty with me and said,"You only want Darfur because Clooney told you about it, because he made it hip." I said Darfur is not hip. This is before I saw girl on Melrose wearing tiny Save Darfur tank top, midriff showing and everything. I would not be surprised if she had Darfur thong underwear on as well. It was horrifying, horrifying--but comforting also. Comforting.

The awareness was somehow comforting. I don't know. Besides I don't like when people badmouth Georgie, He is one of my favorite clients, because he keeps it clean. He's so funny, he was worried I wanted relationship with him, I said please, I don't get attached to clients from one back massage, and besides paparazzi for me would be nightmare. I will take out garbage and the next morning there is photo in US magazine, look Svetlana is just like us she takes out garbage and oh, she doesn't recycle, what a monster. How can I recycle? I want to kill them every time they ask me paper or plastic. I say paper is killing tree, plastic does not decompose, using a Mexican boy is exploiting labor, I give up, hand me my produce and my Milano cookies and I will carry everything to my car in installments, I will make fourteen trips back and forth, just so I don't feel guilty. It's Al's fault for all this nonsense, I told him Gorki, he likes it when I call him Gorki, what you lack in charisma you are making up with your slide shows and guilt trips.

And I am tired of feeling guilty. I drive Honda and I did my part for Sudan long before the hip tank tops. Back in 2005 I did a feel good tour for the UN peacekeeping forces over there, hoping that with a little sexual release they would improve their efficacy. Let's just say it took me an hour just to get through to the UN operator to organize scheduling and itinerary. And what do people expect from these UN peacekeepers anyway? They are all pasty Swiss soldiers, with the occasional edgy Danish guy thrown in for good measure. I have serviced these guys personally, trust me they are anemic, they would rather be back home in Stockholm listening to Bauhaus records. It doesn't matter really they have been replaced and I'm actually in process of doing African union troop circuit this August. Schedule permitting of course. Schedule permitting.

Speaking of which I have phone session with Mitt in fifteen minutes. New client this Mitt guy, very feisty. We'll see how long he lasts. It was great to be here, may you only have hot female minority doctors in your future. For KCRW, this is Svetlana Maksimlvosva with Social Studies. Bye bye.



Iris Bahr