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Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovolskahyah with Social Studies for KCRW.

I thought I was going to be late today because I spent half the day at one of those fantastic Los Angeles stop sign intersections. I motion to one guy, "Go go!" and then he looks at me and he motions no you go, already wasting two minutes of my life. So I go, and then this Asian woman decides now is good time for her to go also, I was so angry I took the mango I just bought from Mexican on corner and threw it at her windshield. She thought her world was ending.

Everybody in this country thinks their world is ending, the problem is they are obsessed with stopping that from happening. Like, Oprah, client many years I have seen her go from big head big body to big head small body all the transformations, she called me last week she was a blubbering mess, mumbling about new medical study showing that eating vegetables does not help prevent cancer. I told her Oprah, I have been telling you that for years, If cancer wants to get you, it will get you, eating a few cucumbers will not help anything. I said to you then, tell this to your audience but you got angry you shook your big head and called me a bummer. I'm a bummer? Every time I turn on your show there is a handicapped family with 12 kids that all have HIV and have been forced to relocate to Rwanda, how am I bummer?!

Speaking of cucumbers, I just had session with David Schwimmer yesterday, I guess he is more like string bean than cucumber but anyway, I usually love sessions with him, he has that nasally face during sex that makes me feel like I am pleasuring cartoon character, but anyway he has been feeling tired lately and asked me if I can recommend good nutritionist. I said to him enough with this nonsense. Look at these rocker guys like Mick Jagger, they injected every known substance into their system from heroin to Nestle Quick, and they are still dancing around like teenagers, why? Not because nutritionist, because they have passion for life. These healthy guys that smell like garlic and look like tofu, they will drop dead at age 50 from a newly discovered danger called Health. These healthy people that are obsessed with nutrition and working out they are in the biggest danger because diseases can detect health from a mile away and attack it with full force. So these idiots end worrying about health and worrying about disease. I am telling you the only preventative treatment is to live life like you don't suffer from health, to drink, to eat to travel the world to have sex with whomever and whatever you want, that way with no health, you are saying to disease "Aha, now you have nothing to attack, I spit in your face!"

I look at my American clients and I tell them you are in no-win situation, 24 hour anxiety. Of course then they tell me, "But Svetlana even if we don't worry about physical health, we have to worry about our mental health." Yes, yes worry about mental health that makes sense, you idiots. If everybody wasn't so obsessed with being happy all the time they wouldn't have problem. Spending all this money on self-help workshops like THE FORUM. I was dragged to this Forum by client years ago. At first when he told me "Svetlana come with me to THE FORUM!" I thought he meant some kinky group with Gladiator fetish or something, and I'm always up for festive group activity, and this client he kept saying the forum will change your life, the forum will change your life, I said to him, honey I have had relations with the entire species spectrum, I don't think a bunch of aging Gladiator fetishists will change my life, but I said, OK. "What do they do at this Forum?" and he said "I can't tell you, it will ruin the experience. But you will find true happiness. Trust me." At this point I just wanted him to shut up so I went to this FORUM three day intensive.

I have to tell you, all I remember from this whole weekend was that I was hungry, held hands with lots of strangers, cried a lot and was not allowed to pee for 10 hours straight. They told me everything about me was wrong, misguided. By the end of this nightmare I didn't know who I was anymore. "You are sucking my will to live!" I told them. And they smiled at me and said , "No problem, if you want it back just sign up for our follow-up "Will to live" advanced workshop" next week. "Sign up for this!" I said to them and I peed on the rug and I stormed out. A week later I sent my Uncle Vlad to do it, I knew he would enjoy it. He is a masochist and has large bladder, it was perfect for him. And this client that dragged me there, I never forgave him, he is now washing cars for my cousin at loading dock in Gdansk. And I'm sure he's found much happiness there.

This is Svetlana Maksimovolskahyah with Social Studies for KCRW. Don't hold it in.



Iris Bahr