Topics to avoid at the Thanksgiving table

With Thanksgiving approaching, you may be both excited and nervous about gathering with family. What will you talk about, and what should you avoid?

The Santa Barbara Independent’s Starshine Roshell shares some do’s and don’ts in her tongue-in-cheek column.

Off-the-table: The Trump-Ukraine phone call

Unwise utterance: You all have no problem with quid pro quo? Super. Because I’m happy to help you wash these dishes. But first I’m going to need you to cough up some solid dirt on Grandpa. I’m talking juicy, humiliating stuff.

Replace with: Where do you keep your dish soap?

Off-the-table: The unstable Supreme Court

Unwise utterance: Wow! I can’t believe my little nephew is already applying to colleges. What are you thinking of majoring in? Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t matter, because Ruth Bader Ginsberg is one fever away from sealing our collective doom as a people. Enjoy your pie.

Replace with: I hear law school is fun.

Off-the-table: Gun control

Unwise utterance: While we’re saying grace, can we throw in a couple of thoughts and prayers that Congress will pull its head out of the NRA’s buttstock?

Replace with: Amen.

Off-the-table: Climate change

Unwise utterance: If anyone’s asking, I’d like a rowboat for Christmas. Thanks to unprecedented atmospheric events, I’m fixing to have beachfront property by August.

Replace with: Nice weather we’re having.

Off-the-table: Legalization of marijuana

Unwise utterance: You’re all going to love the pecan pie I made. It’s infused with cannabis butter. Has anyone tried Banana Kush? Relaxing, but you stay chatty and social. For example, I’m high right now.

Replace with: How’s your glaucoma, Grandma?

Starshine Roshell also has a new book out: “Lather, Rage, Repeat - Frank Talk on Night Sweats, Day Drinking & Twitler”