I have no issue with the merger of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and allspice. For certain dishes, like the bland orange mush that eventually becomes pumpkin pie, it adds desperately needed pizzazz. But nature did not intend for humans to wantonly inject this flavor combo into beer, bagels, and even fashion.
So we're going to review a cornucopia of this season's pumpkin spice snacks — cookies, crackers, cereal, cider, yogurt, etc. — to help you decide which items are worth putting in your face and which you should skip, on the highly scientific scale of “hard pass” to “smash.”
More: Tired of pumpkin spice? Try these alternatives
CEREAL
Three classic cereals bow to the tyranny of the pumpkin spice brigade. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Pie Spice Frosted Mini Wheats
I've never understood Frosted Mini Wheats. "Here's an idea! Let's make small, dry, shreddy bricks that are as unpleasant to chew as they are to taste. But to make them semi-palatable, let's coat one side with icing." This was one of the few sugary cereals my mom was willing to buy when I was a kid and all I did was let them soak in milk, nibble off the frosted layer then drink the sweetened milk. This is what we all did, right? Adding "pumpkin pie spice" flavoring mix doesn't change much about the cereal. The icing has a faint orange tint but you can barely taste the flavor. These aren't any worse than standard Frosted Mini Wheats… but they aren't any better.
Verdict: PASS
Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes
Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes have the same issue as Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini Wheats. You can barely taste the pumpkin spice. Blindfold 100 people and ask them what flavor this cereal is and I bet most couldn't tell you. Still, they're Frosted Flakes and, therefore, sweet and tasty.
Verdict: SHRUG
Pumpkin Spice Cheerios
Okay, now we've got a cereal that actually tastes like pumpkin spice. The flavor is weak, not nearly as strong as I'd like but it is discernibly the flavor it claims to be.
Verdict: SMASH
BOOZE
Drink Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Cream Liqueur at your own risk. Photo credit: Trader Joe's
Pumpkin Spice Cream Liqueur
Oh, dear god. Why why why why why? I spit it out after one swallow. Vomitous.
Verdict: HARD PASS
Do yourself a favor and avoid Trader Joe's Gourd Tree Pumpkin Cider. Photo credit: Trader Joe's
The Gourd Tree Pumpkin Cider
It's not beer. It's not apple juice. It only tastes marginally like cider. It's sour and fizzy with the faintest tinge of squash. This did not need to happen.
Verdict: PASS
COOKIES
Nabisco, you can do better than these Pumpkin Spice Oreos. Photo credit: Walmart
Pumpkin Spice Flavor Creme Oreos
Nabisco has gotten wild with its Oreo flavors in the last few years. Some are great (Candy Corn Oreos and Birthday Cake Oreos are surprisingly good). Some… are not. Remember Designer Imposters Body Spray? If they made a cookie, I imagine this is what it would taste like — fake, chemically, cloying.
Verdict: PASS
Trader Joe's Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joes are, indeed, edible. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joes
Trader Joe's will never admit, it but I'm pretty sure Joe-Joes were designed as imitation Oreos. When it comes to the pumpkin spice variant, the imitation product is better than the original. Trader Joe's Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joes aren't stunning but they're not offensive. They're edible. In the pantheon of pumpkin spice products, that's a win.
Verdict: SHRUG
The coated Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joes are all dressed up and ready to party. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Spiced Joe-Joes In A Yogurt Flavored Coating With Sea Salt
Put pumpkin spice Joe-Joe in a tux and what do you get? These creamy, tasty cookies. I'm not sure why they work better than the regular Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joes but they do.
Verdict: SMASH
The Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies from Trader Joe's are legit good. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies
Of all the pumpkin spice cookies I tried, these are probably my favorite. That's because the spices are balanced. You taste the cinnamon, the allspice, the nutmeg and the ginger without getting too little or too much of any of them. These Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies remind me of those pink and white animal cookies I tried as a child — but 10x better.
Verdict: SMASH
A little pumpkiny, a little spicy, Trader Joe's biscotti are tasty. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Biscotti
Pretty much all of the baby biscotti at Trader Joe's are good and these ones don't disappoint. Small and crisp, the pumpkin biscotti are well flavored without being overpowering. Perfect with tea or coffee
Verdict: SMASH
TJ's gets Proustian with their pumpkin Madeleines. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Spiced Madeleine Cookies
They aint gonna make Proust weep but Trader Joe's Madeleines are, like their biscotti, a seasonal treat worth trying. Obviously, none of TJ's Madeleines are quite as soft and airy as I'd want them to be but for a packaged food that's probably filled with preservatives, they're fine. The pumpkin spice flavor is on the light side, which suits the Madeleine. Another good coffee and tea option.
Verdict: SMASH
Pumpkin Spice Batons from Trader Joe's are a popular seasonal choice. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Spice Batons
It's hard to go wrong with a rolled wafer cookie but Trader Joe's almost does it because these are a bit bland for my taste. I want more spice from my pumpkin spice cookies! Still, they're tasty and inoffensive. It would be easy to eat a bunch of these without even noticing. So they get my vote.
Verdict: SMASH
Pepperidge Farm Milanos are great cookies… but not the Pumpkin Spice flavor. Photo credit: Target
Pepperidge Farm Milano Pumpkin Spice
I love Milanos! I love them so much I once got into a 20-minute debate about the best and worst Milano flavors. Which is why Pepperidge Farm's Pumpkin Spice Milano was so disappointing. Aside from the unappealing layer of orange stuff (I think it's colored and flavored white chocolate but I could be wrong) on top of the chocolate, they taste fake and waxy.
Verdict: PASS
Tate's Bake Shop does as good a job with their pumpkin spice cookies as they do with their chocolate chip cookies. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Tate's Pumpkin Spice Cookies
I'm a mega-fan of the chocolate chip cookies from Tate's Bake Shop and I am a mega-non-fan of white chocolate so I had some competing loyalties here. Their pumpkin spice cookies are perfectly thin and crisp, just like Tate's chocolate chip cookies. The spicing was just right. And the white chocolate, dare I say it, worked with the overall combo. Put these in your face.
Verdict: SMASH
DESSERTS
During the winter holiday season, Hostess makes pumpkin-flavored cupcakes and Twinkies, which we did not try. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Hostess Pumpkin Cupcakes
What makes these not good is their texture. They feel doughy and undercooked, not light and soft, the way I remember the Hostess Cupcakes of my youth. I don't know if that's an issue with all Hostess Cupcakes or just the pumpkin ones. It's been a long time since I've had them. As for flavor, they had a sharpness to them yet managed to be bland. That's almost an achievement… but not really.
Verdict: PASS
The Pumpkin Caramel Kringle is a treat worth trying. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Caramel Kringle
Made by a bakery in Racine, Wisconsin, kringles are one of the best products Trader Joe's sells. I am addicted to the almond flavor, which tastes like a much improved version of a Svenhard's Bear Claw. The Pumpkin Caramel version isn't as great as thealmond one. It's too sweet and mono-flavored for my taste. But it's still pretty damn good.
Verdict: SMASH
BREAKFAST
Pumpkin flavored Greek Nonfat Yogurt from Trader Joe's. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Greek Nonfat Yogurt Pumpkin
If someone took a can of plain, unseasoned pumpkin pack and dumped it into some yogurt, this would be the result. The way it's done here doesn't do either foodstuff any favors.
Verdict: PASS
Pumpkin-flavored overnight oats from Trader Joe's. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Overnight Oats Pumpkin
A pleasant surprise. Imagine the filling of a pumpkin pie with a few rolled oats thrown in. That's basically what this is. Sweetened with dates, the flavor relies on cinnamon and nutmeg without the balance of cloves or ginger, which I think would have improved it. Still, it's a decent way to mix up your breakfast (or snack) routine.
Verdict: SMASH
Gluten-Free Pumpkin Pie Spice Bagels from Trader Joe's. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Gluten-Free Pumpkin Pie Spice Bagels
I didn't try these. I just wanted you to know they existed.
Verdict: NO RANKING
Pumpkin Bagels from Trader Joe's. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Bagels
I didn't try these either. I just wanted you to know they existed.
Verdict: NO RANKING
SPREADS & JAMS
Trader Joe's Pumpkin Butter is a grainy condiment. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Butter
Don't be confused by the word "butter." This isn't a creamy dairy product. It's a grainy, drippy spread that's closer in consistency to apple butter but doesn't taste nearly as good. TJ's Pumpkin Butter isn't aggressively bad but it doesn't need to exist.
Verdict: PASS
Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spread is similar to jam. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Sweet & Savory Lightly Spiced Pumpkin Spread
Similar to a jam or a jelly, TJ's Lightly Spiced Pumpkin Spread has a mild squash flavor with notes of cinnamon. You don't taste any other spices because there aren't any. It's not as strong as I'd like it to be but I think this stuff would work well on a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese and charcuterie board, in the same way that fig jam works.
Verdict: SMASH
ETC.
Pumpkin hummus, a product that never needed to happen. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Cedar's Organic Pumpkin Hommus
Cedar's Organic Pumpkin Hommus isn't making pumpkin better, it's making hummus worse. Much, much worse. Seriously, hummus has gotten out of hand. It's a savory spread. It doesn't need to include chocolate or salted caramel or mango or any of these other ill-conceived additions. Just stop.
Verdict: HARD PASS
Ah, the cereal bar. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
This Pumpkin Walks Into A Bar Cereal Bars
Cereal Bars have always been a dodgy concept IMO. They seem like they should be healthy but they're not. They seem kinda interesting but they're not. They've got a gooey, jammy center but they're overall pretty dry. A single cereal bar is going to solve the fundamental flaws of the genre but as cereal bars go, Trader Joe's pumpkin cereal bar ranks solidly in the middle. I wish the cinnamon and nutmeg were livened up with some other spices but oh, well. It's a cereal bar. It was never gonna be great to begin with.
Verdict: SHRUG
Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Seeds from Trader Joe's. Photo by Zacile Rosette/KCRW
Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Seeds
This is the most meta product in this taste test. We have so much "pumpkin spiced" food floating around, I think many of us have forgotten what actual pumpkin and pumpkin seeds taste like. This product won't help you remember. The seeds are roasted and coated with a crisp, almost crunchy glaze redolent of the four big spices in the pumpkin spice roster. It would be too easy to eat a lot of these. They're dangerously tasty.
Verdict: SMASH
Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Seeds. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Organic Pumpkin Spice Granola Bark
When you take thin, fancyish granola squares, coat one side of them in chocolate and sprinkle pumpkin seeds on top, there's not much that could go wrong. And it doesn't. Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Granola Bark is delicious. Faux-healthy enough to make you feel like you're not eating the nutritional equivalent of a candy bar (even though they probably contain just as much sugar), these are a hands-down victory in snacking technology.
Verdict: SMASH
Enjoy a bag of these Pumpkin Spiced Teeny Tiny Pretzels with a friend so you don't eat them all. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Spiced Teeny Tiny Pretzels
Oh, yeah. These are addictive without being overbearing. Snackable. Sweet. Flavorful. This is what a salty-yet-sweet yogurt-coated pretzel should be. And their petite size makes them extra cute.
Verdict: SMASH
These Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps aren't Trader Joe's best crackers. Photo by Elina Shatkin/KCRW
Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps
We all love TJ's Raisin Rosemary Crisps, which might be the best crackers the company has ever made. Their Fig & Olive Crisps are also good. Given that the company owns this IP, they probably figured it made sense to extend the concept into the pumpkin realm. Unfortunately, like many sequels, they don't live up to the original. The Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps don't have much pumpkin flavor and they lack the more pronounced seasonings of their cracker cousins. Because of that, there isn't much salty/sweet contrast. They're not bad, they're just bland.
Verdict: SHRUG