Superior Gifting Moments, Part I
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Tomorrow, out across the city, loyal listeners will receive the Urban Man Signature Holiday Catalog for 2007. Like other catalogs, you can expect extremely long descriptions of superior gift objects. But your friends and loved ones expect more this year. In fact, 20% more.
That's why my catalog promises things carved more boldly from sandalwood, combed more relentlessly from Patagonian cotton, and delivered in boxes lined with more purple velvet than ever before.
For example, page seven has been devoted to a single scarf--but not just any scarf. Modeled after the Chagall murals at the Met, it's been sewn by blind widows in Sarajevo, admired by Caroline Kennedy, and signed by the artist. This scarf is crafted from fair trade Tibetan Silk, pre-washed in the Danube, and folded to resemble the blue cranes that soar over the Carpathian mountains. Accompanying booklets tell the story of Chagall, the Kennedys, and the charming legend of the cranes themselves.
Expect a warm smile. A peck on the cheek. But okay, maybe she wants more...
How about the Paris Nights Boots featured on page 10? They're lined with fake ocelot fur. The word "Chanel" has been stenciled on in 4-inch gold letters. Our staff have broken them in on the steps of four major cathedrals. They reverse to show fake alligator skin. Cate Blanchett once wore boots like these on a visit to Paris. Order them with socks hand-sewn by the wives of winemakers in Provençe, and I promise your love's eyes will widen. Her heart will beat. Her hidden affections will manifest. In fact, I promise she'll forget all about the way you treated her at that party in Bel Air the other night—you know, when you seemed to be excluding her from the conversation, but it was just because you wanted to impress Kevin with your industry insight?
Give her these boots for $199.99 and that fight will be over, guaranteed.
For him, I recommend a bathrobe--but not just any bathrobe. A full-body embrace of 100% combed Chilean fleece--the best fleece in the world, except for Peruvian fleece, available at slight additional charge.
Prince Rainier once favored this design, but lapels have been updated to Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. It has fourteen hidden pockets. It's triple-hemmed. It glows in the dark. This is the alpha and the omega of bathrobes, and this year, we've sewn a GPS device into the left-hand sleeve, pre-programmed with the layout of every luxury hotel in America.
When he opens the complimentary silver gift box, your man will look into your eyes as he did when you first fell in love. Remember, you were both poli sci majors, and he came over to help you move? It was raining? Elvis Costello was on the radio?
Well, buy him this bathrobe, and we guarantee he will offer you that same special smile.
Still, Christmas is for kids. And this year, you can relax your stressed-out offspring with our 1/20th scale, 3-D model of the city of London. It includes every structure built since 1629, broken down into 7,523,000 pieces and requiring three years to construct. It's fun. It's educational. 4200 action figures roam the streets, including Elton John.
Imagine how their little eyes will light up just to see the box, a full 12 x 12 feet, pre-wrapped in green and red…or of course, blue and silver. Every night for a full 36 months, we guarantee your kids will leap into your arms with giddy and unrestrained happiness.
"Mummy, daddy," they'll cry, "I just finished Virginia Woolf's old place on Fitzroy Square."
Urban men and women understand that superior gifts promise not just superior affection, but superior gifting moments. Use my signature catalog and the untying of each ribbon, the opening of each box, will become a song of endearment, like the unwrapping of a heart, like the sun breaking through clouds, like the chime of bells on a cold winter's eve.
Free shipping with online orders over $500.
Copyright © Marc Porter Zasada. All rights reserved.
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