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FROM THIS EPISODE

This is Svetlana Maksimovskaya with Social Studies for KCRW.

Let me tell you something, having to party with Scooter Libby for the last four days has not been picnic, but it did not compare to the hardship involved in watching Mikey Moore's new film, Sicko. I am telling you, playing naked foosball in Siberian Gulag is easier than watching this film. And trust me I have done both I know what I am talking about.

Mikey has not changed a bit, with his incessant groundhog-day dialogue. Every question forty times. Fetus has quicker learning curve. I remember the first time we met I almost ripped his cap off. "You are prostitute?" he asked me.

"Yes," I said.

"You charge money for intercourse?"

"Yes."

"You mean I have to give you money for sex?"

"Yes, you have to give me money for sex."

"You're saying that if I have sex with you I have to pay?"

"Yes. You have to pay. Now get out of here before I call Charlie Heston to take care of you."

This kind of dialogue was not the worst of Sicko. What really drove me crazy about Mikey's film is that only the Americans were miserable. And not just the Americans that can't pay to get finger back, even the pretty insurance woman that makes good living and has nice complexion – her big face was crying on screen for an hour.

But you see, everybody else in the world, they live in paradise. Like this French couple Mikey shows us, in their cutesy apartment with their free health care, they are so happy. Of course they are happy, they are idiots! They collect sand from different places in the world and put it in tiny jars, they don't have to worry about long-term healthcare they are about to die of idiocy! Oh and when Mikey asks the woman, "What is a big expense in your life?" and she says vegetables and Mikey stands there nodding in understanding... I wanted to clock both their heads off with a ten-dollar potato.

Guess what, Briggite and François, in four to six years you won't have to worry about pricey tomatoes because your little France will just be an extension of a massive Arab empire and you will be transferred to a tiny refugee camp in Namibia with no healthcare, with only Jews and Africans to keep you company. How is that for French paradise? Do you like your shawarma in you baguette? I didn't think so.

Of course, they can always go to Cuba. Which is a good option actually, because to be honest, I love Cuba. I went there with client who wanted rib removed for red carpet event and I had fantastic time, with those Buena Vista musicians... unbelievable, 90 years old, no teeth and still flinging me around the room like a sex puppet. Oh, here you are singing to me in Spanish, here I am with one leg on top of cabinet, fantastic.

And I have to tell you Fidel gets a bad rap, loyal client many years and a sensual guy, with beard as soft as marshmallow, oh and when Chavez joins us for sessions, forget about it, it becomes one big snuggle fest.

Here is the question: What is better, to be healthy under dictatorship or in so-called democracy and sick as dog? But Mikey, it's not that simple. Of course socialized medicine is way to go-- it's inhumane what is going on in this country. But what else are you telling us Mikey? At least in Inconvenient Truth, Gorki gave us a few pointers about what you can do to feel active. Now when I pee in the dark I feel like I am saving the arctic circle.

But I have to tell you Mikey, the only thing from Sicko that is clear to me is that in two years you will be living in Toulouse, wearing a beret, a pink button-down shirt and jeans pulled up so high they choke your testicles, I mean you already look like Gerard Depardieu's third cousin its not that big a stretch.

But let me tell you something, Michael or Michel, as you will like to be called then, after ten years of living in France and getting tired of not being invited to dinner parties with the ex-pats or the sand collectors, you will run back to America and make outraged documentary on the horrors of French society. I can hear the dialogue now: You mean you only shower once a week? Yes. You mean you don't soap up every day? No. Because in America we shower every day. Really? But you don't? No.

And what's this thing right here? This is bidet. It looks like tiny shower toilet. That's exactly right. That's outrageous. Its Horrifying. Let me make sure I have this straight, etc, etc...

Anyway I have to go. This is time of year where I give back to society, to those poor souls that cannot afford my services. So all week I'm going out, to the communities, to the inner cities and I am giving discount special. I call it "sex for a smile" week, and I have to tell you the people love it. They simply love it.

This is Svetlana Maksimovrslrskaya with Social Studies for KCRW. Stay healthy, Air France is booked up until Christmas. Salut.

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